The Dammit Doll Unearthed

Three years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, our oldest daughter sent me a doll in the mail......a Dammit Doll to use when I was frustrated.  Today I dug that doll back out because yesterday I was diagnosed with another kind of breast cancer in the same breast.  It has absolutely stunned both Joel and myself.  How can this be?  I have now had 4 different kinds of cancer in just 8 years.  There are no words, and yet words are what I do best to express myself. 

Yesterday we were both numb.  I cried all day and still find my cheeks wet at times.  Yesterday I felt very sorry for myself.  Yesterday I "gave up".  Quit.  No more, Jesus.  Just take me home.  I am not afraid of being dead, I know where I will be.  I know my body will be whole and free once I move from the earthly realm into the heavenly one.  Weariness filled my body, soul, and spirit right now.  And where the heck is God in all this?  "Why" questions keep popping up in my brain, fear rises like bile in my throat and anger seeps out my pores.  Where is God?

I asked that question of Him two days ago...."Where are you God?"  I immediately saw a lighthouse on a cliff similar to the one on the North Shore  of Lake Superior, called, Split Rock.  I saw myself out in a stormy sea and I could just see the beam from the lighthouse.  God said, "Keep your eyes on Me."  It wasn't the answer I wanted, but it is the answer I received.

So, once again I am on a journey I would rather not take.  Tomorrow I have a breast MRI as this kind of cancer, Infiltrating Lobular Pleumorphic Cancer tends to move around.  Only 20% of breast cancers are this diagnosis.  It has moved out of the gland so the MRI with contrast will show the doctor whether it is in other areas or the other breast.  It is complicated with the lymph nodes due to the surgery and extraction of nodes three years ago.  I see a surgeon Monday and will get results then.  I am planning on having a double mastectomy.  Enough already.

Life is certainly to be treasured isn't it.  I expect there will be hard days ahead. Today I am almost ready to fight again.  Not quite, but almost.  I am a warrior by nature so I will not give up on this life. I expect that Dammit Doll may come in handy at times.  I know that I cannot walk through this journey without God on one side and Joel on the other.  Without the prayers of friends and family.  In
Job it says, Satan may "slay me" but I will serve Him. 

This is not from God.  Do I understand why He has not intervened here?  No I don't but I do know He did not cause this nor does he use sickness or suffering to bring Him glory.  He is going to use this awful experience for good somehow.  He is in the midst of my journey, and yours, whatever that may be.  He is with us always.

So today I am okay with not being okay.  I am okay with crying, with crying "uncle" in this situation.  I am not one to give up, and God has told me more than once over the years not to.  Am I mad at God?  Yep.  He can handle it. 

Your prayers for Joel and myself would be much appreciated.  For now I am working hard to live as my mother did for years as a recovering alcoholic.. "One day at a time."  I am keeping my Bible close by and the Dammit Doll I unearthed  within my reach, while holding tight to Joel and hanging on to hope for tomorrow.