Good Saturday to you from rainy Iowa on this last day of April where winds and the wet stuff continue to stick around most days. It is better than snow.........and there is that saying, "April showers bring May flowers". We are still below normal for temperatures, but happily....let me say again....NO snow like north of us and no tornados like south. So, who can complain?!
As I write this bread is rising in the kitchen. When I was licensed in day care a gazillion years ago I used to make all our bread for our family of six and what kids were visiting for the day. There were sisters who spent a great deal of time with us...Rebecca and Natalie. Their parents worked for the International Institute in the Twin Cities and so there were a few weekends when they came for their usual Friday, but stayed until Sunday night. Natalie was only a year old and would often call me Mama....I tried to keep her from doing that but she was confused and I expect thought she had 2 momas. After Joel graduated from the seminary and we moved to Montana we kept in touch until they graduated from H. S. Those are good memories!
Speaking of memories, to be honest, this has been a rough week for me and I would rather not remember parts of it! I will say it has had me pondering the aftermath of Breast Cancer and it's treatments. There were days where walking 35 minutes turned into 5 minutes at a time or not at all because the weakness and nausea spoke too loud. I have spent most of my life pushing through sickness, and that worked well for me...most moms do that! Now, at age 74, and with the aftermath of advanced cancer leaving scars inside and outside, fractured and delicate ribs, thin hair, weight gain, lymphedema, and the nasty side effects of the exemestane like bone pain, cognitive issues, fatigue, etc., I am unable to push through as I once did. I like the idea of moving forward, ya know? Just keep getting better, stronger, etc. I watched someone close to me go through radiation and five years on an aromatase inhibitor with little to no side effects. For me, it has been a different journey which led me to seek out others who struggle. I don't like to "live there" but I did revisit a long newspaper article about a woman around 20 years younger than myself who wrote about her journey. "The Secret Suckiness of Life After Breast Cancer" is a brutally honest account of her "new life". She is a journalist who due to the cognitive issues from the aromatase inhibitor, struggles to keep her career. She has several other side effects of it too like osteoporosis, joint pain, extreme fatigue, etc. I can relate but I would not describe my life as sucky at all,
I think part of the relating is giving myself permission to not push myself daily to be who I used to be in 2013. That was a great year and I have been wanting that back. In reality that will not happen unless God blesses me with a miracle. And that is where my hope lies....and rises...in the hope for God's healing touch. An "only God" moment. This is my life after four battles with cancer........some days being physically great, some good, some being bad, and some just being plain ugly. And many being a mixture of all three! I had a couple of months of feeling so great and then............It sometimes returns me to the grieving process of what I have lost.
I have intentionally not spoken about all the symptoms much lately as I am learning not to focus on those but on what good comes to me on a daily basis. God has been emphasizing to me the power of our words. I am not writing today for sympathy or to lament but for three other reasons. 1. It is real, and our stories need to be told so others don't feel alone on their journey. At least that is helpful for me when I read others stories. 2. I have been committed to be honest on my blog as Holy Spirit guides me. I don't always like it, but I do so. 3. It is healing for me to write about it. It is a way of letting go. Here is a quote I read yesterday...
"You gotta resurrect the deep pain within you and give it a place to live that's not within your body. Let it live in art. Let it live in writing. Let it live in music. Let it be devoured by building brighter connections. Your body is not a coffin for pain to be buried in. Put it somewhere else."
BUT I will add here.............putting it somewhere else? Where? At the feet of Jesus. He does not want our body to be a coffin for any kind of pain.....HE carried it on the cross for us! We can put it all at His feet.
So, when I or maybe we are in the grieving process for what we have lost, there is always the opportunity to see what our life has to offer us now.....What we have gained. It may be you also look in the mirror at a disfigured body or you struggle with taking a drug that chips away at your quality of life but gives you more quantity of life. It may be you are walking through the end of a marriage, or an empty nest, or your own medical challenges. It may be that you have a loss of finances, loved ones or so many other things. Yet God.
Yet God. We can put our pain, however we define it, at HIS FEET. He already carried it on the cross. He wants not only to carry it but meet us where we are...hug on us, love us. And in doing so, embrace our lives one sunrise at a time.
I did not expect to take my Saturday Scribbles and turn it into this, but alas Holy Spirit takes over sometimes. It brings me to the way I like to end my Saturday's Scribbles, with gratitude.
I am grateful today for the rain that has nourished the land. Grateful for being able to make homemade bread and smell it baking, for being able to walk daily whether it is my usual 35 minutes or not. Grateful for the stories that others share that give us courage in our own journeys. Grateful for tiny little pills that pack a powerful punch in keeping me (and others) here. Grateful for how God shapes my life, grows me, forgives me, and wraps His loving arms around me. Grateful for each day I open my eyes and say good morning to my Joel. Grateful for emails, texts, phone calls, friends and family who listen and pray, Grateful that the days of struggle ebb and flow..... Grateful for laughter and joy! Grateful for all this and so much more..............
Bless you friends!
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