Steady

Yesterday afternoon I sat with Joel in the retina section of our eye clinic waiting for an eye injection. Every three weeks we come to this place, wait with many others (77 on this day had gone through) for the Dr. to numb the eye and inject a medication that is drying up a leaking vessel, and saving my retina from further damage.  The scan taken showed my eye was holding steady. Steady.

While sitting in the waiting room my phone rang and the breast cancer nurse manager was on the line with results from the Oncotype dx tumor tissue test and also the echocardiogram I had Monday.  I went into the hallway for quiet space and she told me that the number given to my results was low.  Surprisingly low (a good thing).  Because of the number of lymph nodes involved everyone thought it would be high.  The tumor is still a Grade 2....but not acting like a grade 2.  A mystery.  Because of 5 nodes showing some level of cancer, the chances of it returning in 9 years with only hormonal treatments would be 57%.  So even though the number on the tumor is low, we are thinking that the doctors will want to proceed with chemo.  Again, results are not clear, but better than expected.  The results of my echo had shown some change from last fall.  Still in normal range but hmmmmm...... Steady as she goes, right?

I went back to sitting in the waiting room and soon I was called in.  The doctor has to first put numbing drops in, then lidocaine with a needle and then come back several minutes later and inject the medication. He needs steady hands for this procedure.  Steady

At 5:30 this morning I awoke with a start and found myself thinking about the echo and wondering why it had changed and what could I do to improve my heart function.  I had not been able to truly exercise since last Dec. but have started walking again.  I googled what could be done ~ Diet, exercise, medications, and of course the stress factor.  S.t.r.e.s.s.      I knew my numbers were still normal but had decreased some.  As I lay and went over it in my head, I realized I was replacing trust with worry. The word steady came to mind again.  Steady.  Firm.  I found some Julie True worship music on my phone and began to soak in her soothing melodies.  Steady.

As I refocused I also sought Words of affirmation.......be firm....be still.........know.......I am with you..........I fight for you.  Steady, now.  Focus...........steady dear child.........You've got this because I've got you........Breathe....worship.   Give thanks.  Know that you know that you know.

Are any of you readers finding yourselves in need of hearing these words?  Are you struggling with staying centered in His peace?  Is worry replacing your worship?  Someone is in need of hearing these words today.  Remember, friend...........He fights for you. He shields you.  He loves on you.  Just be still.....stay calm and steady.  He's got you.  Steady, now.  Steady. 

Saturday's Scribbles

Good Saturday morning to you from our corner of Iowa where the corn is basking in the heat and humidity and growing tall!  July has definitely arrived with temperatures in the high 80's and dew points creeping up into the 70's.  We were able to do a little porch sitting this morning as a thunderstorm passed by.  There is something soothing about listening to a gentle rain, quiet thunder, and the wind moving through the trees and bushes. Iowa in summer.

Speaking of Iowa, we have been here now for 23 years and bought this house 15 years ago.  Joel and those he hired spent many weeks renovating it to bring it back to life.  It was in bad shape and needed so much work.  A long time friend, John, came and helped Joel after we first held the papers in our hands.  Some of my family helped with painting which included my brother painting the high living room ceiling and Joel climbing an extension ladder to get to the top of the 30 foot peak.  FYI:  For anyone who thinks they want high ceilings remember that sound and heat rises so that I can be up in our bedroom and it is like the TV in the living room is on right next to me!  Not cool........It is an unusual house, to say the least, but then we are unusual people...or so I have been told.  Not too long ago Joel was home caring for me on a Sunday morning after surgery and he looked out to see a man standing in the street, taking pictures of our house.   His curiosity quickly had him walking out the door and over to the man to ask what he was doing.....turns out he used to live here and the front of the house had changed so much he wanted pictures.  We did add a porch and new siding to the house 11 years ago. 

We went to Hobby Lobby early this morning, then Joel walked with me around the cul-de-sac here which felt sooooo good.  It was still raining a bit, but did not deter us from getting a little fresh air.  There is that old song..........."raindrops keep falling on my head".   Grateful.  It is not a gentle rain falling in the south, though, where flooding and evacuations are ongoing.  Keeping that part of our country in prayer today. 

Weather is such a big part of our lives.  Good and bad.  My history holds earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, typhoons, blizzards, and more.  We can watch the weather 24/7 now and our phones light up with alerts!  I remember one time when I was a teenager I was out in our backyard goofing around with my boyfriend, neither of us realizing a tornado warning was in place and across town it was doing some damage.  Now, we are warned about every little weather blip that comes across the radar.  It has saved many lives and is necessary I am sure, but at times it feels overdone.  Still, since Joel is an old meteorologist, I can't complain!

Nothing much to scribble about today.  I have been finishing up Brian and Candace Simmons book, "Tn the Wilderness:  Where Miracles Are Born" and I am reading a Marcia Muller mystery, which is a good distraction.  What are you reading? 

Is This A Good Time?

I was in the bathroom, getting ready for the day when the thought came into my head.....The phone is going to ring, it will be Mayo Clinic, and you will still be upstairs.  A couple minutes later the phone rang and it was Mayo Clinic.The woman on the other end talked a couple of minutes and then said, "Can you talk right now? Is this a good time?  I paused for a moment and then said, "Sure, I can talk."

After last Wednesday's appointments, we went home over the weekend and prayed over what we had heard.  The radiologist had told me my case was complicated.....he suggested we go to Mayo for a second opinion.  He said it three times throughout our conversation. The oncologist mentioned it as one of our options.  Circumstances that arose during our visit with him had us contemplating the idea seriously.  So Monday we called the nurse advocate and said we would like a referral for a second opinion.  Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN is less than 2 hours from us by car.  Right "in our backyard" as one person had said to us.

Thus the phone call at 8 am. When I said I could talk, I was sitting on our bed without a stitch of clothing on.  So there I sat, spiral notebook in hand, jotting down information,thankful this was not a Facetime visit!   Joel and I had a good laugh over it later.   The appointment is 5 weeks away which makes me anxious when I think about it, but we had prayed, others had prayed and we needed to trust the process.  All my info is being sent there or carried by me and we will pray all goes well as we proceed.

Is this a good time? How often have we heard those words, or spoken them.  Do you ever wonder if God interrupts our day or night and is thinking.........."Is this a good time?"  Maybe He wakes us in the night just so He can have our full attention!  Our days can be so full that we don't set aside much time for Him......and He quietly waits for us to acknowledge His presence, sit with Him and hear what He has to say.  "Is this a good time"?

We never have to ask God "Is this a good time" when we want to talk with Him.  He is available 24/7 to listen.  What a gift.  What love He has for His children. My prayer is that we, too, find ourselves attentive to God's voice anytime of the day or night, so aware of His presence that He does not have to ask, "Is this a good time"?

A History In Chimes

Our grandmother clock

As I sat in the living room on an early morning before sunrise, our grandmother clock declared the time as it counted off the hours with chimes that were as familiar as my own voice.  This smaller version of the grandfather clock has graced our home since 1975.  While living in the Philippines we took a picture of a clock down to a local builder and they created this beautiful piece of our history that still holds a special place in our home and in our hearts.

Last Wednesday we heard so much unsettling news as we spent time with the surgeon, then the radiology oncologist, and finally the medical oncologist.  We came home feeling beat up, confused, and overwhelmed by the words spoken.  I woke early the next morning, unable to sleep.  Going downstairs I opened the book of Psalms trying to find a word, any word to grasp on to.  Nothing seemed to speak clearly to my anxious mind.

And then the clock began to chime it's morning song.  A familiar comforting sound.  Over the years we have had to replace a part or two of the mechanisms, and there was a period of time when it sat silent in our home, unable to share it's sounds with us.  But several years ago Joel found a way to repair it and we have enjoyed it's melodic hourly reminder ever since.

Today it brought comfort to me as I try to come to terms with living in the balance of health vs disease.  As I try to prayerfully find an answer to the questions of what step to take next.......and where is God in the midst of it all.  And just what is the mystery He is unfolding as He continues to send me the same verse over and over..........mostly through the imperfect social media outlet, Facebook.  He has clearly stated He is fighting for me.......I am to remain calm.

Yes, there is a bit of an earthquake going on here with a few aftershocks.  Words like chemo, radiation, aggressive, advanced, dumbfounded, and unpredictable all swirl around in my head along with the ever present mantra spoken over me that I am an unusual case.  At times it is difficult to stand firm let alone remain calm.  Yet this morning God sent more love notes to me as I ran across a TED talk about a young woman who had been diagnosed with leukemia and after 4 years of chemo was cancer free.  She said the hardest part of all was learning to live in a body that had changed so much,  was not completely whole...........living a full life within her boundaries and not knowing what the future will bring.  I also listened to a sermon by Beni Johnson as she spoke about prayer.  I read the texts from my family lifting up prayers for us as this difficult season continues.  And don't we all go through those seasons?  All the above are more love notes from God.

The clock chimed a message to me in the quiet of the morning, and I realized I had the gift of another day.   I am still here to take in a sunrise, laugh with Joel, worship our Lord and give Him praise.  The chimes spoke to me Psalm 118:24, "This IS the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." 

Our grandfather clock has been with us through so many moves.......so much joy..........sorrow........difficulty.  It reminds us every time it chimes of our history filled with so many memories.  Most importantly it speaks of our history with God's goodness, His faithfulness, His presence in this process we call life. What a beautiful way to start the day!

Saturday's Scribbles: In God We Trust

Good Saturday morning to you on this holiday weekend here in our corner of the world where sunshine and warm temperatures are making it a good day to enjoy the outdoors.  Joel is already off riding as I write this.  I am sitting in the living room with the doors open, tuning my ear to the birds singing and the tree leaves rustling in the wind.

We live very close to the high school grounds, from which the city fireworks are displayed each year.  We are just across the river, and every year we pull chairs up to the window and watch through the trees from the comfort of our home.  If the wind is just right, we have had the debris from the fireworks land in ours and the neighbors yards.  In those years,  Joel goes out to make sure nothing is left to start a grass fire. 

The fourth of July always reminds me of our years in the Air Force.  Joel spent 8 years in the military from 1968 through 1976.  This was during the Viet Nam war and the draft was in place.  Joel received his draft notice, and chose to enlist in the Air Force rather than be in the front lines of the Army.  One thing that I have always liked is the way the military respected our country.  If we were in a theater, before the movie started the flag would come on the screen and the whole theater would stand at attention while the anthem was sung.  I remember on Clark Air Force Base that if you were walking or driving when the flag was being lowered, all people and cars stopped out of respect.  If you were in a car, you got out and stood at attention until the flag was down.

For me, I always connected the military "rules" of respect with the motto....the truth...."In God we trust."    God blessed us with a great freedom in America and it was and is important to be thankful for that freedom.  We saw the consequences of a dictatorship when we lived in The Philippines.  We knew the importance of freedom.  In the eight years we were in the Air Force we moved to 5 different bases.  We lived in 4 states and 1 third world country.  We knew we had to trust God on our journey.  In each place we lived, we saw God at work in our lives.

We are now in a season of needing to focus on  "In God we trust" more than ever.   We are continuing to look for ways we see God at work in our lives.  I had appointments last Wednesday that left us shaken.  The battle will continue for my health and the only way through is to trust God.  For weeks I have found myself waking somewhere between 5 and 6 each morning, a perfect time to have a tsunami of emotions wash over me.  Mostly negative.  I realized recently that I have a choice as I toss and turn.....to dwell on the whys and what ifs or to use the time to connect with God.   It is a daily blessing to remember, "In God We Trust."

When we lived in The Philippines, Marcos was leader of the country.  There was Martial Law ( no one could be on the streets after 10:30 at night) and people were afraid of Marcos and his people.  Our maid would never speak his name out loud, but only in a whisper.  We watched the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.  We, as Americans, watched young children dig through our garbage to eat the food we were throwing out!   In general Filipinos who worked for us Americans made 7 pesos a day....which was $1.  Seriously, it opened our eyes to how wealthy we are and what great privileges we have as Americans.  Let us never take them for granted.  And as we celebrate this country of ours, all the good, the bad, and even the ugly, let us never forget...."In God we trust."

Angel Food Cake In The WIlderness

I have been reading Dr. Brian and Candace Simmons book, "In The Wilderness:  Where Miracles Are Born".  In one chapter they talked about the Israelites wandering in the desert and how God provided daily manna for them.  They never went without food....bread of a sort.  God provided them with the bread for life.

Simmons tells us the manna is described in different ways in scripture.  When the Israelites asked Moses what it was, he told them it was bread from Heaven.  A mystery of sorts as the people asked...."What is it?"  In Nehemiah it is called "God's manna", and in Psalm 105 it is called "Heaven's bread".  In Psalm 78 it is described as "angels food"!  I love the idea of it being angels food.  The food of angels fell from the sky on a daily basis.  Pastor Simmons described it as angel food cake from Heaven!

We, as Christians feed upon the bread of life....Jesus IS the bread of life, provided for us by our Father.  Jesus as our Manna.  We cannot help but see the parallels of the Wilderness story in Exodus and our own wilderness stories.  Our need for Jesus was provided for us.........even or especially in the wilderness. 

We all go through seasons of wilderness, keeping us on our knees before God.  We live, trusting He will provide...........whether we call it "angel food cake" from Heaven or the "Bread of Life".  At times the wilderness looks endless, challenging, and yes, even hopeless, but God is always watching over us.  He provides......love, healing, hope, encouragement and the prayers of others, His Word, and Wisdom.  He provides the Bread of Life, and even angel food when needed.  Sometimes we may question, "What is it" just as the Israelites did, but we learn to step out in faith trusting His provision.  And in doing so, it may turn out to be angel food cake!