"By His stripes we are healed."
Isaiah 43:5
The past few weeks I have been at a loss with how to write what I have
been feeling lately~ the turmoil I have experienced in my spiritual
life. The conflict within between rejoicing and lamenting.....it is very personal, and I wanted to make sure what I wrote came across
well.
If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know how
important my faith is. Joel has been an ordained pastor for the past 32 years
and has been preaching and teaching much longer than that. He grew up liviing
1/4 mile from their country church and there never was a time that God was not
active in their lives. My faith in God came at around age 11, and since then I
have always relied on Him. We met at Bible college, and the faith we share is
the foundation of our whole lives. After nearly 44 years of marriage, we are
one, Joel and I. As Joel often says, our strong marriage is made up of three
ropes braided together. Joel, me, and God.
SO, when Joel received a word
from God on healing seven weeks ago, we rejoiced together. Joel
actually woke up at around 4am and felt God speak in his heart..telling him he
was healed. He also confirmed that healing to Joel in another way that supports
his journey now. We are thrilled!!
Are his symptoms all gone??? Is Joel
100% well??? NO to both questions. But here is what we do know. Some of the
healing that took place that night was IMMEDIATE. Like microwave healing. He
could immediately double the amount of time he would walk without experiencing
post exercise malaise. No crashing at all. He could immediately ride his bike
3 miles without post exercise malaise or other symptoms getting worse. His
balance issues are GONE. Most of his pain has gone away immediately. GONE.
His need for sleeping during the day has dropped in half. His memory issues
are way down.
PRAISE GOD!
He has tested a few other things to see if they are
gone and has discovered they are not. He still has a ways to go! He still is
having die off symptoms when it is Bart reproduction time. "Their last stand"
he calls it. He still needs to sleep once during the day, and he still can
overdo and crash for a day. Gluten still causes symptoms and more fatigue.
There are still a few of what my friend Linny calls "crock-pot healings" that need to take
place before he will be back to his old self........He still continues to take
his herbs and supplements and follow the doctor's treatment plan because we
know the Lyme and CFS are continuing to heal. He is focusing on treating the
rest of his symptoms while rejoicing in what is gone. GONE!
Things are
so good right now that he is going back to work part time! He has been offered
an Interim position with a newly formed parish where 4 churches are joining
together to eventually share 2 full time pastors. Joel will be one of 3 part
time pastors helping organize and set up and serve these congregations until
they are ready to call full time pastors. Exciting. Challenging.
Amazing!
When I keep my eyes on Joel and what we have seen God do for him
in the past 7 weeks I rejoice and cannot help but do a happy dance. I smile
every time I gaze upon him. When I look in the mirror at myself and see someone
who is still sick and spending most of her time in her recliner....I experience turmoil.
When Joel was awakened at 4 am in the morning, it was the same
day as my mammogram that started me on the path to another breast biopsy and the
need to rule out cancer. I think because Joel and I are so "one" in all areas
of our lives, I expected I was healed too and my actions resulted with me going
into a relapse for a few weeks. It was so discouraging when my reality was
different than my sweet Joel's. I realize now that my journey to healing is going to be different than Joel's. I am not "seeing signs" of healing as fast as I would like, but I am not Joel. Neither am I God.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 4: 5,6
We did not share with our family the whole story of Joel's
healing until a couple of weeks ago. We expected cautious excitement and some
skepticism...and loving concern for us that we may be disappointed.
Pretty much just what happened too! There was and is joy and a cautious
observing to see if this is real. If it will last. And a couple of family
members asked..."What about Renee"?
Someone said to me, "But what if......Joel crashes again....what if it
is only your imagination....not God?" My response was, then we will look
foolish. And that is okay to look foolish in our belief that God told Joel he
was healed/ is healing. That is A-OK. Still, we are NOT thinking that way. We
are just plain rejoicing in what has happened and what is ahead. We believe God healed Joel...He spoke to Joel's heart and he blessed him with a special gift to affirm that healing. Isn't that amazing?!
So the turmoil comes in the "what about me" questions that
want to come in and steal my joy for Joel. I just am not going to let that
happen...I am working hard on not relying on my feelings or thoughts but on what I KNOW. And I know that God has a plan for us.
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil.
To give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11
I have noticed that I am very careful now about my
words. What I speak over myself or others. What I read and what I take
in. Some in depth Bible and book study on what has occurred has us going in new
directions with our faith and beliefs on healing, health, and the power of our
words. Through this time of learning, I have had some inner healing take place and am giving thanks to God for that! And God blessed me with a special gift too just because He is such a loving God!
Don't we have an amazing Lord? He loves us so much and wants us whole and healthy. He desires us to know that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is inside of each of us! I love that! He healed my husband of a devastating disease. His body just needs to finish up with what his spirit already knows. He is healed!
It gives us all hope, doesn't it!