It Is Coming, Receive It

I had been journaling with God and sat back and closed my eyes to wait for His response.  I immediately saw myself on my knees.  All around me the ground was burned, blackened from fire and there was a layer of ashes everywhere, some still smoldering.  I heard God say, "I want you to visualize the beauty that will come from theses ashes."  I then saw myself lift my arms up into the air and heard the chorus of the song, "Rise Up".  I then saw myself stand up with my arms in the air, giving thanks to God.  

I have been praying Isaiah 61:3 lately, asking God for beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness.  The beauty for ashes has laid on my heart as a reminder that God does just that.  He turns ashes into beauty.  Have you felt the heaviness of our country, our world weighing you down?  In many respects this is a season of mourning, even despair for people, and sometimes ashes.  But God.   God promises to the city of Zion..........and to all of His children...........beauty for ashes.

There are many circumstances in our lives and the lives of those we know and care about that give us the need to hold tight to His promise.  There are situations with people we don't even know that need God placed right in the center, right now.  Is there anything you need God to bring beauty from?  Is there joy needed to replace your mourning?  Do you need a garment of praise covering you to replace the spirit of heaviness?  Yeah..........me too.

God's promises are for today.  Bring it on God!  That beauty for ashes, that joy, that praise that can clothe us.  Bring it on God!  I receive it.  We receive it.   We rise up from the ashes and receive the beauty coming.  It is coming.  Receive it.

Smack Dab In The Middle!

Is anyone else experiencing it?  There is a sense of foreboding, a fear or uneasiness about the unknown regarding the CoronoVirus.  It seems to permeate the air.  We may be experiencing a love/hate relationship with the media.......with the government........Conflicting statements, breaking news which is always breaking, and the daily change in numbers of cases and deaths.......where do we land in getting to the truth of it all when the truth is always changing?!  So unpredictable, so confusing, so dang scary.  Yeah......

As the pot called CoronoVirus is stirred, fear bubbles to the surface.  Granted, there may be a few of you who are not worried at all but as time passes we cannot help but be affected by what is happening in our own states, our country, our world.  Our hearts break for those who have lost loved ones, and our hearts might beat a bit faster for those we love who are in the middle of the "vulnerable" area for serious complications. And if we are one of the vulnerable?

Like all of you I have observed many different response to what is happening in our world.  Here we are with few options before us.  When I was diagnosed with advanced cancer in October 2018, we had options, the doctors we trusted had plans in place to fight a known disease  ~ Cancer.  Although we were told that there were no guarantees for a cancer free future, we had a plan that gave us some sense of control and actions to take.  I know many of you are nodding your heads in agreement, having gone through your own medical battles.  A plan and actions to take removes that helpless feeling and speaks of a future.

This time it is different.  It is a novel virus.  New.  It is a virus so antibiotics won't help.  It spreads quickly and according the experts it is more deadly for those ages 60-65 and older and those with underlying conditions such as Lupus, cancer, asthma, lung disease, heart disease, etc. etc. etc. We all want answers, action plans, and assurance that all will be well.  We want to be safe.

So, where do we turn when life is a roller coaster ride, whether it is due to the what ifs with the CoronoVirus, a diagnosis of cancer, or our finances bottoming out.  Do we minimize what we are facing?  Do we have a fatalistic outlook?  Whatever....it is what it is?  Do we just hang on tight with our fears and hope for the best?  Or do we take a deep breath, and remember God is with us.  Do we turn to the Word and find those verses that bring us God's truth and a sense of peace?

When I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease after 2 decades of sickness, I looked up everything I could on this debilitating disease.  I spent hours and hours becoming "informed" and ended up focused on the disease more than on my Healer.  I felt I had some control when I had knowledge.  Having knowledge is important, but for what reasons?  I began this CoronoVirus journey wanted to be fully informed and when information changed as data was gathered, I watched more, read more, picking certain experts to listen for.  It gave me some sense of control in a world that does not feel safe, but it was also exhausting and did not reduce my stress.  Knowledge is good, but only if we balance it with knowing Who we trust.   We can't always control our outcomes, so maybe we need to surrender our fears and need for control to Jesus.  God with us. 

The video seems to focus on one situation

but the words are for all of us!

It is important to keep our faith smack dab in the middle of this mess.  Prayer is not only smack dab in the middle of it all, but it is still our first line of defense for all challenges that get thrown at us.  As the Breaking New! continues to break, as the CoronoVirus currently continues to raise its ugly head, and as we filter out fears for facts let us remember to respond with faith.  The faith that Jesus gives us that lies smack dab in the middle!

I Love To Hear The Stories!

A couple of weeks ago I closed my eyes and quietly waited for God to show me anything He wished me to see.  I then saw myself sitting on a hillside looking down over bay and could see small boats and sailboats in the water.  On my left Jesus sat next to me and I linked arms with Him.  On my right was Holy Spirit, a swirl of colorful energy spinning around.  I felt heat against my leg and foot and when I looked the Lion of Judah was leaning against me.  I asked where God was and heard Him say, "I'm behind you.  I've got your back."

This was all I saw but it gave me great comfort.  Surrounded by the Trinity, protected as I move forward in this season of my life.  I liked knowing that Jesus, the Lamb is also the Lion.  He sacrificed His life for me, for us.  He also fights for us as the mighty Lion of Judah.  It was a good reminder for me.

Recently I reread the story of a couple who experienced an angel coming to the husband's need as he went through a terrible ordeal when a freak accident resulted in him being medivaced to Mayo Clinic.  Several people saw this guardian angel in men's clothing with unusual happenings affirming that it was an angel!  Such a beautiful story of how God shows up for His children.  Stories, or testimonies shared give God praise, but they also build up our faith. We realize how much God loves us and remember His goodness. 

When Joel was 16 years old he was outside one morning and looked up in the sky.  There he saw three crosses.  His thought was, "That is someone's cross..."  It was just a few days later that his dad died suddenly and unexpectedly.  He believes God spoke to him that morning with a visual of three crosses in the sky.  This event profoundly shaped Joel's faith.

My friend Linny Saunders and her hubby Dwight have so many stories to share of God's faithfulness that she even wrote a book called "The Memorial Box".  They have an actual large curio type box where they keep visual reminders of stories where God intervened in their lives.  With 14 children, and 9 still at home, they have many stories to share.  She keeps a memorial box because of what it says in the book of Joshua where God's instructions were that Joshua build a memorial so when future generations look at it and ask what it is for, they will hear the many stories of God's faithfulness as they ventured into the promised land.  We all have those stories to share too!

A few years ago when Joel was interim at a small church in a small Iowa town, he asked if people would share their "Faith stories"with the rest of the congregation.  They were willing to take 5 minutes during Sunday morning services to share and listen to how God has shown up for His children.  It was wonderful!  So many had great testimonies of how God intervened, spoke, or showed up in the lives of His children.  Those stories we heard benefited and blessed us all!

It is good to hear how God works in the lives of His children and it is good for us to look back and remember how He has blessed us during different seasons of our lives.  He is a good good Father. Someone today may need to hear your faith story.  We all have them.  I love to hear the stories~  I am sure you do too!

He Is Glued To My Side

Yesterday the nurse called me from general surgery and told me they have managed to get me in to have a port placed at the hospital on Wednesday.  I was sooooo excited.  "Oh, this is wonderful news" I said.  After I said it, I told Kris, the nurse on the phone, I can't believe I am excited about yet another surgery or surgical procedure ~ #6 in 10 months.  She said, "I know.  You have been through so much in the past year."  I had been praying for God to get me in on Wednesday.  My surgeon is on maternity leave so someone I have never met would need to do this for me.   I would start to worry about it, and then tell Papa God, "It is in your hands.  If that is the right day, work it out!"   He did.  God is good.  He is faithful.  He is glued to my side on this journey called life. 

My world has changed the past 10 months in ways I never thought about.  I have never liked going to doctors, avoided hospitals, limited medications I took, and having surgery was not on my radar.  But life has a way of readjusting our perspectives.  Now I see things differently.   I find I am grateful for doctors, good hospitals, and even medications that help along the journey.

Lately I have been reading more of Ann Voskamp's writings and one theme that she speaks about often is gratitude.  And gratitude shifts our perspective, and a different perspective makes all the difference in how we do life in the good times, and bad times, but especially the "bad".  Because no matter what we are going through in body, soul, or spirit, God is good.  He is faithful.  He is glued to our side on this journey we call life. 

So today I am thankful for a surgeon "working me into his schedule on short notice" and I am thankful for a good hospital and caring staff.  I am thankful for the "chariots and horses" ( a former post I wrote HERE) that God is using to help me fight my battle.  And I remind myself and all of you, God is good.  He is faithful.  He is glued to our side on this journey we call life!

Mayo, "Med City", and Moments with God

It was early Friday morning and Joel and I had come down to eat breakfast in the small dining area of the hotel where we were staying in Rochester MN.   Joel was off getting food while I sat at our corner table.  There was one couple to our left and across from us was an older man with his two adult daughters, would be my guess.  The man said quietly, let's pray.  They joined hands and prayed for their loved one who was in the hospital....asking for healing, for Jesus to be with her during surgery, for no viruses to attack her body.  I quietly closed my eyes and silently added my Amen.  The woman on my left got up and went over to their table and said, "Thank you.  You blessed me too."  I chimed in, 'YES!  I am blessed too."  One of the daughters got up, came over and laid hands on me saying, "Bless you." This encounter brought with it peace.  God had provided just what I needed before we headed to my appointments at Mayo Clinic.  He was with us every step of the way.

I also noticed that the couple on our left prayed before they ate just as we did.  Our little corner of a small dining area in a hotel in "Med City" was calling upon God that morning.  Three families knowing where there help comes from.  It made me smile.  Such a divine moment from God.

My two appointments went very well.  The Fellow working with the oncologist I was seeing spent two hours with us, explaining, answering questions, examining, and encouraging me.  He and the oncologist had a plan for me and what would work for my body.  We came out of there feeling peace and relief.  I will be having chemo, a lower dose every 3 weeks for 4 cycles.  They will call my current oncologist because they would like it done here, close to home.  Hopefully it will start ASAP.

We ate lunch in the large cafeteria and then walked through the subway level over two blocks to my next appointment.  We sat in a lounge outside of the clinic I was to go to next.  Joel went inside to check if we were in the right area,  and then came back out to sit with me as we were way early.  Soon we heard a voice say, "I thought I recognized that cowboy hat!"  A woman from our former church in our current town was standing there.  Her husband was getting treated for a recurring cancer and she had been in the waiting room when Joel went in to check.   We visited awhile and then her husband came out so we talked with him too.  He encouraged me to be treated at Mayo and talked about the newer radiation that he was being treated with called proton radiation.  We prayed together before we headed inside and they left for home.  Another God moment.

My appointment with the radiology oncologist was about 1 1/2 hours long.  The Dr. had a student get general info but the doctor spent the entire time with us explaining, asking questions, examining, and answering our questions.  Very thorough again.  Turns out he wants to use the new proton treatments for me also.  He wants to avoid damage to the heart, lungs, thyroid, and upper nerve in chest wall.  This kind of radiation is only done at two places in America.  Mayo Clinic Rochester and in Chicago.  This would mean we would have to spend 5-6 weeks in Rochester during the week.  The American Cancer Society has a lodge where you can sign up to stay.  We will move forward with this treatment after the chemo.  Both the plans given to me at Mayo are different than the plans brought forward in our cancer center here, but we feel at peace about Mayo due their experience and expertise.  Going to Mayo was definitely a blessing.

It is a long journey ahead, but we heard words, heard treatment plans that will give me the best advantage to this being "curable".  Their words.  We felt so blessed to have two great doctors, one a Fellow and the other the radiologist who were excellent, kind, caring, and very knowledgeable.  We  know we cannot rely on these "chariots and horses" for my healing, but we can trust God who is using the medical world and these doctors and treatments to give me what I need to live and to live well.  Thank you all for adding your prayers to our journey.  They carried us through the day!  We are grateful.

Chariots and Horses

God likes to speak to me in "videos" that play out in my mind.  When I sit back, close my eyes and ask God to be present, ask Holy Spirit to speak to me in a "vision", He often does so.  Sometimes it is just one snapshot and other times I see scenarios that play out.  This is one of the ways He speaks to me.  I love it.

A few weeks ago Joel and I sat quietly and asked God's presence to fill the room.....for Holy to show us what He wanted us to see and know.  I immediately saw a big horse with an unusual coating of gold, like caramel.  This horse was not the Palomino that I see at times, it was more like a Clydesdale draft horse.  In the vision I walked up to the horse and then walked around it.  As I did so I noticed a chariot....very ornate and covered in gold.  I walked around the chariot pondering how it looked.  Immediately I saw a Roman type soldier covered in armor and head gear which was shiny and gold in color.  I then heard "Some trust in chariots and horses (but we trust in the Lord our God)."  I immediately knew that the chariots, horses and soldiers represented the doctors, treatments, and procedures, tests, surgeries, etc. that were filling up my daily life.  What did it mean?  Certainly we had seen healing come through the power of prayer alone, and we have seen healing come from surgery in the past.  What was God saying here........

I googled the words I had been given and up came Psalm 20:7  so I began reading this verse in several translations.   In the NIV it says,

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, 

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

Psalm 20:7 NIV

One translation that stood out for me was from The Passion Translation of the Bible......

"Some find their strength in their weapons and wisdom, 

but my miracle deliverance can never be won by men.  

Our boast is in the Lord our God 

who makes us strong and gives us victory."

Psalm 20:7,8  TPT

At first I wondered if I was to let go of all those tools available to me in the medical world, but after  thinking about it and praying over it, I did not feel that is what the vision meant.  I reached out to a dear friend who hears from God in many ways, and she shared with me her/their thoughts on what God had showed me.  It confirmed what I felt Holy telling me.  The chariots, soldiers, and even the horses were coated in gold....God's color.  They are valuable to my recovery.  BUT I cannot trust in them alone.  We trust in God who uses men and their "tools".  That is where our strength and miracles come from!  Jesus the Healer!  Jehovah Rapha!

Some pretty tough words have been spoken over and to me by my doctors here and now I will be heading to Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN for appointments Friday with first a medical oncologist and then an oncology radiologist.  I expect we will hear more words that could discourage us or bring fear into the equation.  We are hoping for the best of course, but preparing for the other side of the coin also.  What we need to remember is that God walks with us...He fights for us! 

I don't begin to understand why God healed the Lyme through prayer and the cancer through doctors.  I don't begin to understand why a completely different cancer invaded my breast or why it was in the nodes when the turmor was drastically reduced from the meds.  I don't begin to understand this battle for my life when prayer has been our most important tool in our toolbox.  I don't have answers for any of those questions, but I do have God speaking to me continually about fighting my battles.  I do hear Him telling me to trust Him in this season of my life.  And if He wants me to use "chariots and horses and men in armor I will do so, but never without prayer and the knowledge of where my healing comes from.  I will be trusting the outcome to Him.

We would love your prayers as we head to Mayo Clinic........for the doctors to have the wisdom.....for us to have the courage..... for however God directs you to pray.  Recently I heard Kris Vallotton say that we need to P.U.S.H. forward with prayer.....Praying Until Something Happens.  I also heard another pastor say that every time we pray something happens!  Prayer is a mighty weapon as we fight the battles that come.   We thank you for yours!

Doing The Hard Thing

Ann Voskamp, mother, wife, international speaker and author, writes a blog titled, A Holy Experience.  Recently she wrote about doing the next hard thing in difficulties.  That the only way to climb the mountain before us, no matter what it is,  is to take the next step.  And that requires doing the hard things that lay before us.

 It kind of describes a portion of my life in a nutshell.  Every one of the five surgeries I went through from November to mid June were challenging, whether due to being in the midst of the strong hormonal treatments for cancer, or having parts of my body cut off with the double mastectomy.  Each recovery has had its own challenges too, with the December disaster as we call it where the surgery completely failed leaving me with a long journey back.  Then two more kidney stone surgeries while fighting kidney infections.  And then the mastectomy.  The cancer was removed along with both breasts and 26 nodes which has left a big cavity under my arm and has me doing daily exercises to regain the flexibility of both arms. Cutting all those nerves and muscles triggered a big flare up on ongoing nerve pain.  Yeah....hard things.  When I look back on the past 9 months I am still amazed by it all.  And grateful.

So, don't take this post to be a lament about how hard my life is or that no one has it as bad as me........Seriously?  Being 71 and also being a pastor's wife, I know how many people get up every day and do the hard thing before them.  And on a broader scale, each and every one of us have to face hard things at some time in our lives.  We all find ourselves taking the next step forward in order to climb over or conquer the mountain before us.  It may look impossible  ~your situation~ but like Ann Voskamp says, "every Everest is scaled by simply putting one foot in front of the other." This Bible verse from The Message Bible tells us where we get the help we need.

"God will help you deal with whatever hard things 

come up when the time comes."

Matthew 6:34

In doing the hard things, we need to hold close the truth that comes to us from God's Word.  God helps us.  He not only helps us but He has given us a powerful tool,  Holy Spirit.  He empowers us, enlightens us, guides us.  Holy has been called the Helper. (John 14).  As you and I do the hard things let us never forget we are not alone.  The Helper gives us what we need when we need it most. 

The Lion Of Judah

I was getting ready to head back to the cancer center after a three week break.  With a few minutes to spare,  I turned to Facebook and this came up on my screen.  Once again, God sent me the same verse as He has countless times before.... often when I am heading to the Dr. or for a test or for surgery.......He is so faithful.

I have been focused on Exodus 14:14, but had not noticed the importance of verse 13.  Do NOT be afraid.  Stand firm.  God will deliver you.  I hang on to these verses as someone who thirsts for water.  For me, Living Water.  Jesus.

While waiting for the Dr. to come in the room, I asked Holy Spirit to be present, to bring peace, and certainly more clarity and communication than our last visit.  H. e. l. l. o.  It went pretty well.  We continue to wait for my appointment at Mayo to see what they say.  I call over there daily to check for cancellations, hoping to get in before my scheduled appointment on August 16.  Joel and I both feel peace about going there.

These verses I really began getting a couple of years ago.  The plaque on my wall with Exodus 14:14 written on it was a Christmas gift from our oldest daughter at least 2 years ago.  God has been preparing us.  With His Word, with the prophetic words given to us at Bethel, and recently with the words of a nurse who told us...."IF you have even a fleeting thought that has you thinking about going to Mayo, GO".    God speaks through many avenues.

We have two extended family members right now who are fighting major health battles. I thought specifically of them today as these verses popped up on my screen.  Do not be afraid.  (easier said than done but it is possible with God).  Stand firm and you will see the deliverance God will bring you today.  When we have done all we can, we stand firm.  We TRUST God is with us.  We trust He will deliver us.  The Lord will fight for you.  Countless places in the Bible we see God fighting for His people.  He is mighty!  He loves us fiercely.  When He says He is fighting for us, He is.  You need only to be still.  Being still does not necessarily mean doing nothing.  It means being at peace with knowing God has us and the problem.  It is knowing deep in our soul that we can trust Him.

I have come to love these verses, but more importantly I have come to a deeper understanding of how much God loves us.  I don't know what is in my future........none of us do, but we know who holds our future.   God goes before us, walks with us, and has our back.  He is not just the Lamb who was slain.........He is the Lion of Judah!! 

Steady

Yesterday afternoon I sat with Joel in the retina section of our eye clinic waiting for an eye injection. Every three weeks we come to this place, wait with many others (77 on this day had gone through) for the Dr. to numb the eye and inject a medication that is drying up a leaking vessel, and saving my retina from further damage.  The scan taken showed my eye was holding steady. Steady.

While sitting in the waiting room my phone rang and the breast cancer nurse manager was on the line with results from the Oncotype dx tumor tissue test and also the echocardiogram I had Monday.  I went into the hallway for quiet space and she told me that the number given to my results was low.  Surprisingly low (a good thing).  Because of the number of lymph nodes involved everyone thought it would be high.  The tumor is still a Grade 2....but not acting like a grade 2.  A mystery.  Because of 5 nodes showing some level of cancer, the chances of it returning in 9 years with only hormonal treatments would be 57%.  So even though the number on the tumor is low, we are thinking that the doctors will want to proceed with chemo.  Again, results are not clear, but better than expected.  The results of my echo had shown some change from last fall.  Still in normal range but hmmmmm...... Steady as she goes, right?

I went back to sitting in the waiting room and soon I was called in.  The doctor has to first put numbing drops in, then lidocaine with a needle and then come back several minutes later and inject the medication. He needs steady hands for this procedure.  Steady

At 5:30 this morning I awoke with a start and found myself thinking about the echo and wondering why it had changed and what could I do to improve my heart function.  I had not been able to truly exercise since last Dec. but have started walking again.  I googled what could be done ~ Diet, exercise, medications, and of course the stress factor.  S.t.r.e.s.s.      I knew my numbers were still normal but had decreased some.  As I lay and went over it in my head, I realized I was replacing trust with worry. The word steady came to mind again.  Steady.  Firm.  I found some Julie True worship music on my phone and began to soak in her soothing melodies.  Steady.

As I refocused I also sought Words of affirmation.......be firm....be still.........know.......I am with you..........I fight for you.  Steady, now.  Focus...........steady dear child.........You've got this because I've got you........Breathe....worship.   Give thanks.  Know that you know that you know.

Are any of you readers finding yourselves in need of hearing these words?  Are you struggling with staying centered in His peace?  Is worry replacing your worship?  Someone is in need of hearing these words today.  Remember, friend...........He fights for you. He shields you.  He loves on you.  Just be still.....stay calm and steady.  He's got you.  Steady, now.  Steady. 

A History In Chimes

Our grandmother clock

As I sat in the living room on an early morning before sunrise, our grandmother clock declared the time as it counted off the hours with chimes that were as familiar as my own voice.  This smaller version of the grandfather clock has graced our home since 1975.  While living in the Philippines we took a picture of a clock down to a local builder and they created this beautiful piece of our history that still holds a special place in our home and in our hearts.

Last Wednesday we heard so much unsettling news as we spent time with the surgeon, then the radiology oncologist, and finally the medical oncologist.  We came home feeling beat up, confused, and overwhelmed by the words spoken.  I woke early the next morning, unable to sleep.  Going downstairs I opened the book of Psalms trying to find a word, any word to grasp on to.  Nothing seemed to speak clearly to my anxious mind.

And then the clock began to chime it's morning song.  A familiar comforting sound.  Over the years we have had to replace a part or two of the mechanisms, and there was a period of time when it sat silent in our home, unable to share it's sounds with us.  But several years ago Joel found a way to repair it and we have enjoyed it's melodic hourly reminder ever since.

Today it brought comfort to me as I try to come to terms with living in the balance of health vs disease.  As I try to prayerfully find an answer to the questions of what step to take next.......and where is God in the midst of it all.  And just what is the mystery He is unfolding as He continues to send me the same verse over and over..........mostly through the imperfect social media outlet, Facebook.  He has clearly stated He is fighting for me.......I am to remain calm.

Yes, there is a bit of an earthquake going on here with a few aftershocks.  Words like chemo, radiation, aggressive, advanced, dumbfounded, and unpredictable all swirl around in my head along with the ever present mantra spoken over me that I am an unusual case.  At times it is difficult to stand firm let alone remain calm.  Yet this morning God sent more love notes to me as I ran across a TED talk about a young woman who had been diagnosed with leukemia and after 4 years of chemo was cancer free.  She said the hardest part of all was learning to live in a body that had changed so much,  was not completely whole...........living a full life within her boundaries and not knowing what the future will bring.  I also listened to a sermon by Beni Johnson as she spoke about prayer.  I read the texts from my family lifting up prayers for us as this difficult season continues.  And don't we all go through those seasons?  All the above are more love notes from God.

The clock chimed a message to me in the quiet of the morning, and I realized I had the gift of another day.   I am still here to take in a sunrise, laugh with Joel, worship our Lord and give Him praise.  The chimes spoke to me Psalm 118:24, "This IS the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." 

Our grandfather clock has been with us through so many moves.......so much joy..........sorrow........difficulty.  It reminds us every time it chimes of our history filled with so many memories.  Most importantly it speaks of our history with God's goodness, His faithfulness, His presence in this process we call life. What a beautiful way to start the day!

Celebrations, Prayers, and Surgery

This past Thursday we drove 6 hours to our oldest daughter and family's home in WI to celebrate our granddaughter Abbi's HS graduation.  It was wonderful to be with family again, hugging, laughing, and just soaking in the love and joy.  Unfortunately Joel got sick and and fought a cold and cough much of the time. First time he has been this sick in years.  Still, it was a good good time.

Evan and Abbi

Brotherly love.......

We were re-acquainted with our grand dog, Koda too, who at one year old is weighing in at 120lbs and stands over 6 ft tall on back legs.  He is a gentle giant with quite a personality.   A Newfoundland/Poodle mix.

Tomorrow we take another step forward on this cancer journey as I head to the hospital in the early morning hours for a bi-lateral mastectomy.  The day has come, and we are moving forward on a wing and a prayer, trusting God in the process.  We can use your prayers for the nuclear dye to light up the lymph nodes ( since I have had this once before it lowers success rate somewhat), for lymph nodes to be clear and for surgery to go well!  And for the sore throat I have to completely be gone!   I will spend one night in the hospital and be home Wed afternoon.  We face this with determination and apprehension, working to remain calm and trusting our God who fights for me.  Thanks for adding your prayers!

Pursue, Seek, and Find

I confess that in the past I have never quite understood fasting.  It has not been in our tool box, probably because of our Lutheran culture.  I have felt uncomfortable fasting to "move God" and get the answers I want.  That was my take on it, anyway.  But God has been speaking to me lately about "seeking" Him.  When I felt Holy Spirit nudge me to fast before the prayer session with the couple I mentioned before, I asked what the purpose of this fasting was and I felt Holy reply, "To seek God".  It was not long after that response that everywhere I turned I was hearing the words..........seek Him.....seeking God......seek  seek.  It came up in a sermon by Rick Warren.  It came up twice in our devotionals.  It popped up on a Facebook post.  It came up today as a memory posting from 2 years ago.  Seek His face.

So we went into fasting with the premise we would be seeking God.  When we wanted to reach for food, we stopped and sought Him in prayer.  For mealtimes we read scriptures, discussed what we had read and prayed.  We took communion.  In all those activities we had the opportunity to seek and find.  We know His desire for us to pursue Him is not just during fasting.  

We can find God in most things I expect.  We can seek and find Him in nature.......in it's beauty, colors, animals, insects, birds, flowers, smells.  We can also seek and find Him throughout our days, our lives with those we love and care about.  His Presence in the midst.  Are we aware?   I am surprised at how often something pops up on Facebook that speaks clearly to me and I ponder how often I "miss" His love notes because distractions get in the way.

On the opposite side of that we need to question ourselves.....do we seek and find God with what we say.......what we do..........what we watch on TV........what we read........Some stuff, not. We pursue Him in worship!   How about life's challenges?  In the midst of a big life storm I often seek Him....but will I focus on Him in all our circumstances?  Sometimes it has to be intentional with how loud the storm is, but He is there.  Oh, yes, He is there..........here.....His calming presence in the midst.  

Bethel Worship

I am not sure where God is going with the continual messages we are receiving on "seeking Him",  but He definitely has our attention, especially as we prepare for next week.  We continue to pursue Him, remembering His goodness as we seek His face.

Let Me Rock Your Boat

Yesterday we fasted in preparation for a session of prayer last night with a couple from AZ who have a powerful ministry.  They are good friends with our sweet friends Dw and Linny, who suggested we call them. We felt the need for some prayer....and insights so we set a time to talk last night.  During this time of fasting we took the time to listen to our recorded prophetic session from when we were at Bethel Church in CA in the fall of 2017.  Please note that when we receive words we pray over them, looking for God to come through in the words that come from others.  Testing the truth of it in scripture and discernment.   We strongly believe the words spoken during that session were from God and we hold them close whether we understand it all or not.

We received several things we are hanging on to, but one that stood out for me today was when the man, who was also named Joel, asked us if we ever rock the boat......He said it was a bit strange, but he saw a vision of us rocking a boat.  We did tell him in our world, that we probably do rock boats with what we believe and practice, things such as God wants us ALL well, Jesus died for sins AND sicknesses.  Holy Spirit wants to shake up your world with visions, encounters, and His Presence "manifested" in many ways.  Speaking in tongues is a gift available to all, etc. etc.  It makes some people uncomfortable.  Been there myself.   In the words this other Joel said, he told us God wants us to keep rocking the boat.  He kept saying it over and over again  "keep rocking the boat".  He told us we are very aware that we are doing what God wants us to do......and then said, "God says when you stop rocking the boat He will be bringing you home.  To heaven.  In other words, we replied.........."Keep rocking the boat!"

The past few months, this challenging journey we are on, has kept our focus narrow and has not left much room for rocking boats and truthfully at times I have doubted and struggled with His promises to me for healing.  Were God's promises lies?  Even saying that makes me uncomfortable.  God never lies. And His promises are "yes and Amen".  Over time I have told Joel more than once that I questioned how I could speak about healing being for now and for all when I am battling cancer for the 4th time and the future looks scary?  I was healed of Lyme, of chemical sensitivities, of cancer, of thyroid disease ( no longer on meds after 27 yrs).  Healed of a cyst on my leg....it just left!  Healed of living life from my sofa.......  And yet.......here I am in the midst of the biggest battle of my life so far.  Can I still speak about healing?  Let me say, my experience right now?  It does not change the truth of what the Bible says.

Plenty of people have prayed for me, over me, yet this time a miracle did not take place.  Jesus is using doctors to heal me.  I can't say I am happy about that, but I am being obedient in using the treatments, doctors, and surgeries to heal.  It is a journey in humility.

Speaking of being humbled, we were forewarned by God about this journey at that same prophetic session. Lori, the woman at our session shared that she saw us crawling on our hands and knees.  We were going through a difficult season and being humbled in the process.  She went on to say that we were strong and independent people and that we were going to need to now rely on God.  Just like the verse I keep getting, God will fight my battles...just stay calm.  She also said that there would be grace in the journey and we would stand up again and there would be a new thing for us!  We have hung on to those words at the end......sometimes for me only by a thread, but we hang on to His promises.  We don't believe God gave me Stage 3b cancer, but we do believe He can and will use it for good.   And we believe every prayer that has been prayed for me and for Joel has been heard by God.  Look at how the mass is breaking up?!  The kidney surgeries are over.  Strength is returning.  Hear our prayers, O Lord.

Do all people get healed?  No, we know they do not.  Do all people receive a miraculous healing?  No they do not.  But the point for me is, I believe we can.  "By His stripes we are healed."  I believe what it says in the Lord's Prayer.  "The kingdom come, thy will be done on EARTH as it is in Heaven.  In Heaven we won't need healing, will we?!  I believe that there is sooooooooooo much more for us. Catherine Marshall wrote a book many years ago called, "Something More".  I read that book often and felt her same hunger for something more in my relationship with Jesus.  It is available. He desires it too.

I confess, at times I seek the healing more than I do the Healer.  I desire the miracle instead of desiring a more intimate relationship with Jesus.  It is what He wants you know.  For us to seek Him.  For us to want a close relationship with Him that has us talking with Him throughout our days and nights like a good friend.  Because He is one.  The One.

Seeking God and a closer relationship with Him is what it is really all about.  We don't understand the mystery of it all....God is God and we are not, but we know He wants to communicate with us all throughout our days and nights.  He sent His son,  He sent Holy Spirit.  As we surrender to Him, stand firm on His promises, and let ourselves be embraced in His loving arms, we believe all will be well.  We trust Him.  We let Him fight for us.  We rely on Him.

Even in this difficult season of crawling on our hands and knees,  or maybe because of it, we seek Him more than ever, we trust Him in the storm.  As He teaches us humility and trust we lean on Him.  And at times, we rock the boat.

The Message Is Clear

Over and over and over again, the message from God has been clear and precise.  Mostly through Facebook He has put on my heart Exodus 14:14.  Clearly.  Emphasized.  Repeated.  Firm.  Here are a few of the images I have received.  Each one a love note from God.  Each one is a reminder that I am NOT on this journey alone.  Each one lets me know staying calm is the action I need to take, trusting that He does fight for me.

The message is very clear, and when I remember to give my battles over to my mighty God trusting in His desire to fight for me, I can live in peace. Do you need to hear his message today?  It is a rhema word from God.  Highlighted, emphasized, alive.  Hold it close.  Trust it.  

Get Your Brave On

I was reading a short paragraph by author and speaker Lisa  Bevere and one sentence jumped out at me. "Get your brave on".  Yeah.  Sometimes we just have to intentionally pick up our brave and put it on.  Wearing it like a shield.......a cloak of protection.......or a pair of brave girl boots.....  Sometimes God says to a friend or to a daughter.........tell her not to give up.  A crossroad that begs an answer to the question, "Fight or give up"?   Sometimes a person needs to hear, "You got this!"  "Hang in there Mama".  Sometimes a person needs to tell themselves........We have this!  There is power in our own words.  So many also stand with us in our battles, don't they.  Friends and family, even strangers that encourage and pray.  Wow. So blessed.

So how do we get our brave on?  We remember we are not alone.  We remember God is fighting with us.  We remember what the promises of His Word tell us.  The truth found in the pages of our Bible.  We remember and we trust.  We trust that He is who He says He is.  We trust His promises.  We seek the prayers and encouragement of others.  Remember when Moses needed help to keep his arms up?    And we are especially kind to ourselves.  When we are battle weary we love on ourselves even more.  We ask for God to help us get our brave on.  When we hear from God we hold his words tightly.  We embrace His love and promises and we walk forward with the Lion of Judah.  In the mystery, in the struggle, in the battle, we lean into the Lion of Judah and we get our brave on!

One Brave Step Up The Mountain

"It is a new week and you just keep being brave

 because blessed is the one who perseveres, 

who does the hard thing and puts feet to the floor and just begins, 

who doesn't stop putting one brave step in front of another.  

Because tough times never last

 but those who hang on tight to God always do."

Ann Voskamp

Today I read a few powerful thoughts from Ann Voskamp, the author of One Thousand Gifts.  She spoke about doing the "hard things".  About putting our feet to the floor and just beginning.  She wrote about taking one brave step and starting up the mountain we face.  That God will take the mountain, all we need to do is take courage and take the next step.  She reminded us to lean in and take that next step.

I have been hearing a lot about leaning in lately.  It began last week when I faced the fact I needed surgery again for this large ugly kidney stone that is one big mountain of trouble in my right kidney.  Between the stone and the stents I am fighting infections and my body is already dealing with a lower white count from the breast cancer treatments.  I did not want to deal with it, but it is what it is.  And God is who He says He is!  Through devotionals He keeps reminding me to lean in to Him.  Trust Him in this season.

A week ago I had a visual encounter where I was standing arm in arm next to Jesus, leaning against Him.  I was shaking from head to toe but I was standing firm with Jesus keeping me upright.  I remember thinking, well if Jesus is on my right, who is on my left side then....and when I turned I realized Joel was linking arms with me too.  Of course, he has always been my support.  my earthly rock provided by God.  Beyond Joel, much to my surprise, I saw Dr. M, the urologist.  It shocked me.  My thought was, okay, he is part of this healing journey too.  Then I looked around and saw faded out faces of who I knew to be friends and family.  Those praying and sending their love.

The mountains can look so big.  They can be so big.  BUT GOD......... We need to have the courage to take the first step up the mountain.  Maybe for you it is a financial burden.........or chemo........or trusting someone when it is hard to trust. For me this time it is yet another surgery this Wednesday afternoon to rid the stone from my kidney.  (Going up through the urethra to laser the stone) Everyone's mountain is different, but the source of our strength is not.  Our strength comes from God.

"The great ones are simply the ones who believe God can.  

In Him, you. can. do. this.  

The hopeful stare up the steps.  

The faithful step up the stairs."

I am always amazed at the courage people display in difficult circumstances.  Ordinary people, living ordinary lives, who are hit by circumstances that are in no way ordinary.  Ordinary people who dig deep, finding courage and strength to face the worst of the worst and who do so with hope and faith in their God, in our Lord who tells us to lean in.  "Lean in, trust, and see Me move mountains".  

Today I am asking for your continued prayers for the surgery Wednesday afternoon.  Praying that the long tedious process of lasering the large stone into small ones will go well and swiftly.  That I will come home that evening and recover well.  I also ask for prayers for all those who fight their own battles with God by their sides. Those who persevere and faithfully keep taking that one brave step up the mountain they face.  

Ain't No Battle, Ain't No Valley, Ain't No Grave

When I lay in the hospital that first night I was so discouraged that the surgery had failed.  It had been an ordeal with bad results that still knots up my stomach when I think about it.  Joel was sleeping in a recliner next to my bed, and I was quietly talking to God.  I asked Him what He, Jesus, and Holy had to tell me.  I immediately saw three separate segments of scenes.  Jesus was in the first one and I could see only a close up of His scared hand.  God said to me,  "Jesus, my Son, and man of God suffered."  Immediately I was looking at the throne of God.  God was sitting on the throne and asked me to come sit by Him.  I was a young child and climbed up next to Him.  I said, "We are not even to look at your face, so I don't think I should be sitting beside you on the throne."  God replied, "You are my child, my heir and you can sit right beside me!"  He had His arm around me holding me close.  Then I saw a long brick road with trees lining both sides.  They were barren, no leaves or fruit.  I saw a palomino horse slowly going down the road.  For reasons that are personal I expect, I sometimes see Holy Spirit as a Palomino.  Behind Holy Joel and I were on our hands and knees trying to move forward. At times the horse would look back at us.   I immediately thought, "This is the valley of the shadow of death."  I noticed we were slowing going through...opportune word....going through.  There was no real explanation given for what I was seeing that night.  I tucked it away and tried to sleep.

Then this week I was listening to the song "I Raise A Hallelujah" and saw the brick road again.  I saw Joel and I on our hands and knees behind the palomino horse.  I noticed the horse's tail actually was the word Hallelujah.  Then all around this valley the sky became a beautiful sun-gold color and as I looked I realized the sun gold was people.  People surrounding us, praying, singing, and smiling.  I am not sure what it all means yet but praise was in the atmosphere.

Joel has told me over and over that in the last three months he goes back to the prophetic word we were given at Bethel Church where a woman shared that she saw us going through a season "on our hands and knees".  I told her I did not want to go through any more struggles and she said, "There is grace in it."  She went on to say that this season would end.  We would stand back up and be blessed more than ever with a "new thing" that God has for us.  The man who also spoke over us told both Joel and I to hang on to our joy.  Our strength would come from the joy of the Lord.  Joel keeps holding tight to the words.........you will stand up again and there will be amazing new things ahead.

The brick road I saw in my visual encounter brought to mind the prophetic words we received.  Do we understand it?  No.  Do we embrace it?  Not really.  But somewhere in the midst of it all there are things we know.  God looks at us as His kids.  He loves us so much He sent His Son to suffer and die....AND raise again.  Going through the valley, any valley, we are not alone.  Even in death, and it will come for all of us some day, we have victory.  Victory is ours because of Jesus.  It is a done deal!

Spending so much time at the cancer infusion center, I have observed so many who are in a battle to live.  Who are hurting, weary, and yet hopeful.  This weekend at the ER infusion room I was in a chair next to a woman who was getting an IV antibiotic like me.  Her arms were covered in bruises where veins had failed.  She was obviously weary.  We saw her again yesterday at the cancer center, smiling and nodding at us in recognition as we walk a familiar journey.  I thought about how the enemy uses cancer for evil, to discourage and try to destroy God's beloved.  He is such a coward. Tears rolled down my face as I thought about the bravery and hope expressed in all those who fight to live.  I pray they all know that they have Jesus fighting for them!

There is a chorus of a song I have been listening to that says it all.  We do live with hope for healing, for a long full life filled with purpose.  Even while we fight battles, we do so from a place of victory! Walking through the valley we do so carrying a Hallelujah victory sign.  And when our time on earth is fulfilled, the ultimate victory is ours.   Jesus already paid the price for our healing and for our salvation.  Wherever you find yourself today, remember that victory is yours!

1 1 3

I was laying in bed this morning "worry meditating" over all that would be going on in the next 48 hours.  For some reason I tend to believe the lie that I can control what will happen and how it will happen with my worrying.  I don't like to not have everything in place.  I don't like surprises, but the journey the past two months has been filled with surprises of the not so good kind.  While going over and over things in my mind, I saw the numbers 1 1 3.  They stood out clearly.  My thought was, that is a Bible chapter, so it must be a Psalm because you can't find 113 in any other book of the Bible that I was aware of.

Later when I was worry meditating once again, I remembered the number and looked it up.  Psalm 113 is a psalm of praise to our Lord.  Praise Him and praise Him again.

"Hallelujah!  Praise the Lord!

Go ahead, praise the Lord.

All you loving servants of God!  'Keep it up!  Praise Him some more!

For the glorious name of the Lord is

Blessed forever and ever.

from sunrise brilliance to sunset beauty

Lift up his praise from dawn to dusk!"

Psalm 113: 1-3  Passion Translation

Sunday night we went to a city-wide worship at the large Lutheran Church here in town where people from several denominations gathered to sing praise and Christmas songs together.  It was wonderful and while there a pastor from a church we once attended came and prayed for me a powerful Holy Spirit led prayer.  It was just what I needed.  Thank you Jesus. 

Two hours later while at home my eyes started acting funky.  I began seeing zig-zag colored lights shimmering and moving and they took up the right side of my vision.  Then faces on the TV became distorted so I could only see fractured faces.  It was scary.  This lasted about 20 minutes and then disappeared.  Monday we headed to the eye clinic for a thorough exam.......was it the retinas?  Was it a blood clot?  Was it from the antibiotic I am on, the eye injections, or the cancer drugs?  We don't know the answers concerning the meds, but they were able to rule out the retinas or blood clots, so are calling it an "ocular migraine" without a pain.  I did have a slight headache afterwards.  One more surprise that I did not need at this time of so many things on my plate. Seriously?  Needless to say this event worked to take away the beauty of the earlier event.

Today God brought my focus back on worship and praise.  Praising Him in the midst of it all.  Praising Him for being in control when I am not.  Praising this God of ours who is a miracle making mountain moving God who walks with us every step of the way through the valleys.  Through the lows and the highs.

It is not easy, this sacrifice of praise.  It may not change my circumstances, and it maybe won't change yours, but it does shift our focus off of it all and on to the Lord our God and in praising God something does shift.  Inside of us.  God's purpose for praise is not just for His glory....to pat Him on the back.  His purpose is for us to see His glory and the power of His love for us, His kids.  Praise is a weapon of warfare in a world where Satan works hard to destroy our relationships with our Lord. Praise shifts the atmosphere around us and in us, loosing fear and worry tentacles and kicking them out and filling us with God's peace no matter what we are walking through.  Again, I will say it is not easy, but it is possible.

So today as I prep for surgery, and tomorrow as I go through the tube insertion and then surgery, and as I recover I will be praising my God.  For His grace provides.  His love covers.  His hands heal.  I pray that this day, this week you find yourself praising God for His goodness in the midst of life and whatever circumstances come your way.   It is how we connect with God.  It is how we shift the atmosphere....... It is how we fight our battles.............

Take A Breath

I looked at the eye specialist and said without really thinking, "Take a breath!"  And he did.  Joel told me he nearly burst out laughing at my instructions to the doctor.  "Take a breath!"

On Tuesday morning I headed in to see the retina specialist.  The eye injections are not working well, so they are giving me eye shots every two weeks using the drug Eylia one time, and Avastin the next.  The doctor calls the leaking vessel..."resistant".  They seldom see this problem, so we are hopeful that it will work quickly.  Seriously, I need a break here with this body.

So the retina specialists come from Des Moines and see around 40-50 patients in a day.  That is a lot of people, a lot of injections.  My doctor is always in a hurry.  Tuesday was no exception.  He raced in, checked my eye, numbed it a bit, then injected Novacane in it.  He said he would be back and on his way out he told the nurse to get an Eylia shot ready.  At the same time Joel and I both said, "Avastin!"  He quickly corrected himself and repeated our words.  "Yes it is Avastan today."  He left the room for a few minutes and then came rushing back in.  All I thought was, "He is going to put a needle in my eye, he needs to calm down."  So.............I said to him, "OKAY, Take a breath!"  He stopped abruptly and did just that.  Then proceeded to give me the injection.

Don't you often feel like the world is spinning at top speed.  I sure do.  Especially in this winter season of my life.  Sometimes I hear Jesus say to me, "Just take a breath".  It is going to be okay.  Rest, relax, t.r.u.s.t Me.  Take a breath..........

I have an old friend who using breath when anxiety rears it's ugly head.  She "breathes in Jesus" and breathes out the anxiety.  I have done the same thing when sleep evades me.  It is helpful.  There is a Psalm that says, "I will praise you as long as I breathe."  Breath is what keeps us going.  In more ways than one!

Joel is still chuckling over my instructions to the doctor!  I never thought twice about it.  I was advocating for myself.  He had already goofed up what med I was to receive, so I was not about to have him put a needle in my eye "on the run".

How many times a day or a week do we need to "take a breath"?  How many times do we need to rest, relax, and trust our God as we walk through circumstances or situations that threaten to steal our peace?  It would do us all good to stop and take a breath!

Expectations In The What If's

Expectation.  Positive speculation.   Affirmations of a renewed mind.  So, how do we know we have the renewed mind that the Bible talks about in Romans?  When our minds do not go to the worst case scenario as "what ifs" invade our thought process.  When we have expectations for a good outcome......when our speculations are for good and not evil.  Pastor Kris Vallotton shared in a recent sermon how he suffered from a nervous breakdown six years ago that left him sofa bound and unable to function well for over six months.  He had physically burned out from his travels and ministry and his body shut down.  God walked with him through the healing process, helping him fight for wholeness.  During this season of winter he began to study neuroscience and how the brain works in relation to the Bible's instructions to renew our minds. God knows how important it is for us to have hope.  How important it is to rely and God's promises.

It all relates to my present situation and the difficulty I have in not seeing the worst case scenarios that want to play out in my mind.  I am in a tough place.  The reality of my health concerns seems so big.  The eye injections are not yet helping my left eye.  I need kidney surgery again soon to remove the large stones in my rt kidney.  I am dealing with stage 3 breast cancer and the treatments are causing me to struggle on a daily basis physically and emotionally.   I can easily feel and see myself being knocked around by what the enemy has thrown my way.  There are days I just want to cover my head or lose myself in Netflix.  There are days I do just that.

But God.

There is a scripture that comes to mind.......2 Corinthians 4: 8-10 NLT

"We are hard pressed on every side by troubles, 

but we are not crushed.  

We are perplexed but not driven to despair.  

We are hunted down but never abandoned by God.  

We get knocked down but not destroyed.  

Through suffering our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus

 so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."

Yeah.  hard pressed, perplexed, persecuted, abandoned, struck down.  In all honesty it is how I feel now way too often.  But what do I KNOW?

I know God is fighting for me.  (For Us All)  Every day is filled with opportunities to see His goodness.  I have lost count of the many times I have received the same scripture......The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." I know my posts have been relentless in this message......I have needed it and I expect some of you do too.

God has promised to fight for me, for us.  Because He loves me.....He loves you.  Expect it!  He truly is so much bigger than anything we face in life.  During this Christmas season, we have an opportunity to focus on the baby born in a manger.  Born to bring us salvation and healing. Born to love us.  Born to fight for us. This is what we know.  Open the scriptures and hold tight to His promises......Born is the King of Israel!  Our King.  Our King who fights for us!