Who Do You Say You Are?

Joel and I were watching Kris Vallotton preach online at Bethel the other night, and he shared a story about a period of time in his life when he was going through a tough battle.  He went to speak to a person on the pastoral staff at Bethel church who listened intently as Kris poured out his heart.  When he was finished speaking the pastor said to him, "I have a book I want you to read.  It is a book that will speak to your situation."  Kris said, "I will read anything if it will help."  With that response the man gave him the title of the book, "The Supernatural Ways of Royalty".  It is a book that Kris Valloton had written himself!  Then this man said to Kris, "You have forgotten who you are.  You have forgotten Whose you are.  You are royalty.  You are a son of the King." 

This story is one I can relate to.  Over the past 3 years God has been teaching me more and more about who I am.  Whose I am.   God wants us to know who we are in Christ because.... "We will always act out who we believe we are.  .....When we know the name the Lord has given us, we can live out that identity.  We tend to reproduce what we feast our thoughts on."  These quotes are from the book.  It is sitting on my end table.

What do we feast our thoughts on?  Deep down inside who do we believe we are?  What comes out of our mouth when we are struggling?  Whose do we say we are?  T he answers are found in what God speaks over us.

Bonnie Gray began to find healing from her abusive childhood, PTSD, and the panic attacks that came on as an adult, when she embraced who God said she was.  His beloved.  She has written a powerful book entitled, Finding Spiritual Whitespace, that is impacting thousands of lives because she listened and internalized who God said she was.  She realized Whose she is.  His beloved. 

The journey is not always easy, but God does not want us to stay stuck in those places that cause us to lose sight of who we are.  Maybe they began in childhood....maybe they began with what other people we loved spoke over us as adults.  The lies whispered, the words manipulating and confusing, the emotional and physical pain inflicted.  There is so much that can come against the true identity of who we are.

Or maybe it is what we speak over ourselves that limits us.  There is a tendency out there to believe that as Christians we need to think of ourselves as lower than the lowest. That humility means degrading yourself or speaking only about what a sinful person you are.  Maybe it is time to remember who lives in us.  Who empowers us.  Who calls us His beloved.   The One who encourages us to look in the mirror and see how awesome we are because of Jesus.

Do we see ourselves as God sees us?  Sons and daughters of the King?   We are the redeemed.  We are the forgiven. We are awesome....how can we not be when our Heavenly Father, the Lord Almighty delights in us!  When Jesus lives in us and Holy Spirit empowers us!

It is Maunday Thursday.  A time when Jesus brought together his disciples for the Lord's Supper. A time when the old covenant ended and the new covenant came to life with Jesus, his body....His blood shed for us.  Let us, this day, remember who we are because of Jesus.  Let's remember Whose we are.  Sons and daughters of the King of Kings and Lord of Lord!  To God be the glory.

Seeking Spiritual Whitespace

This past Sunday afternoon through Tuesday noon Joel and I attended the Northeast Iowa Synod pastors retreat in Dubuque Iowa.  It was the first time I went, so I was looking forward to the retreat and meeting some of Joel's colleagues.

My expectation was that we would be engaged in what Bonnie Gray calls "spiritual whitespace"  A time of rest and renewal....in ways that bring you peace and joy and healing. 

There was a speaker from Chicago's ELCA headquarters whose list of accomplishments and degrees took 5 minutes to read!  She lived and breathed academia, and for six hours over 2 days we took in her lectures.  I am not a theologian, but I was not the only one who found her fascination with research and presentation of Jesus as male and female a bit, actually more than a bit unsettling.   For me it was also frustrating and definitely not relaxing.  It was hard work for my brain to stay engaged.  I speak from my heart first and run it through my brain.  She spoke from her brain.

On day two I looked around and observed other rostered pastors, spouses, and staff.  Were any of them waiting for the point to be recognized, and how to apply this information to ourselves and our congregations?  Many had their iPads, tablets, and phones in hand.  Some were checking emails and Facebook (yep), others were taking notes.  I was making an effort to stay focused.

Don't get me wrong, there is a place for this kind of learning, although in all honesty, you could not pay me to sit through it again!  What kept running through my head was the question..."Is this a retreat or continuing education?"  In my opinion, there was nothing restoring or healing about those hours spent on hard chairs. 

In search of spiritual whitespace, I began to look forward to the worship times.  A man named Richard Bruxvoort Colligan led worship with Psalms set to music, using guitar, banjo, and drums.  It was beautiful, as we sang David's songs of lament and praise.  He would engage us in deep breathing, prayer for those on our left and right, and have us sit in silence until it became almost uncomfortable.  In these morning and evening moments, spiritual whitespace existed.  Moments to restore, rest, renew.  Moments to connect with Jesus in intimacy, One on one.   We also attended a service at Wartburg Seminary.  There is nothing like hearing a church filled with pastors singing.  Oh my the power in their voices!  Great food for the soul. 

Reflecting back on these days, I realized that no matter the circumstances, we have the opportunity to seek out and find spiritual whitespace, as we did within the beautiful music, the powerful church service at the Wartburg chapel, and even while swopping stories of our first years of ministry with friends over a meal.  Seek and ye will find.....  God waits patiently for us, in nature, in church, in our living rooms, even in hotel conference rooms.  He longs to give us nourishment for the soul.

I Won't Hesitate

Then I heard a loud voice shouting across the heavens,

“It has come at last— 
salvation and power
and the Kingdom of our God, and the authority
of his Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters
    has been thrown down to earth, the one who accuses them
    before our God day and night.

 And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
    and by their testimony. 

And they did not love their lives so much
    that they were afraid to die.

Revelations 12: 10,11

Wednesday morning I read a post written by Lisa Buffaloe about her healing from Lyme Disease.  I have been reading Lisa's posts for several years and find her writing both inspirational and encouraging. Like many with Lyme, Lisa battled this terrible disease for years.  During prayer one evening she heard Jesus speak to her as she felt heat move from her head down to her toes.  She knew she was healed.  It was then a matter of walking out that healing. Take a minute and read her story....

I have had a similar experience~ some of my healing came instantly, then inner healing with Holy Spirit at the lead took me on quite a tumultuous journey of restoration.  The rest of my physical healing has been a step by step process. That "rest of my healing" has been the hard part.  There are days I become discouraged.  

Wednesday was one of those days. Then God spoke to me through Lisa's words, and I realized I needed to pick up my mat one more time and walk forward.  I needed to rebuke the devil for whispering that I wasn't doing this healing journey the right way.   That old "I am not enough or doing it right" rising up it's serpent head hissing lies that tried to remove from my heart the "It is written" words of God.  In obedience I need to share my story.  All of it.

Because God has done amazing things in my life.  Because the powerful presence of God on me through Holy Spirit is part of my story, even if it makes others uncomfortable.  I share all my story because it gives God glory.  I share because it encourages others.....and me.  Because my Healer has led others to tell me, "God wants you well" ......"You are so faithful, don't give up!"  Because God's Word tells me Jesus already paid the price.  Because I believe in all His promises.  Because I love Him and He loves me......because of this and more....

"I won't hesitate to share what has happened ~ what God has done.......and promised."

Lisa Buffaloes

Oh God!  I won't hesitate to share just because I am afraid of looking foolish.  I won't hesitate to share just because I am still standing firm for some of my healing to be released.  I won't hesitate to share just because my broken past still plays a part of my present. 

 

Today I picked up my mat and walked forward by having last minute laser surgery on my eye to reduce pressure and get me off the beta blocker eye drop.  We had been praying for pressure to drop and it had, but I felt God telling me to say yes to the Dr.'s suggestion, whatever it would be.  It was not the path I envisioned,  but in obedience I said yes.  This, too, is part of my healing story.

So, I won't hesitate to share what has happened ~~what God has done and promised........Like Lisa and Bonnie Gray~ Faith Barista, and every single one of us, our stories are HIStory too.  He wants us to write them...to speak them...to live them.....to shine a light on what He has done and what He has promised. I will not hesitate.  It is my promise to Him.  I won't hesitate.

I am linking up today with Bonnie for Spiritual Whitespace Thursday.  Her book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace is well worth the read! 

 

Be Present

"The soul of every family is nurtured
by presence and connection,

not by operational effectiveness."

 

Bonnie Gray

This quote by Bonnie resonated with me today.  It went along with a sermon I heard by Kris Vallotton at Bethel Church in CA.  He told us about a time not too long ago when on his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he heard from God just two words.  "Be present".  He was half asleep so he tried to ignore what he knew to be God's voice, crawling back into bed and covering his head with a blanket.  But he heard it again from somewhere beneath the covers....."Be present".  His 3am wake up call required that he and God have a little talk.  Later on he remembered what his grown kids said to him not long before ~~ "You were never home, dad."  Kris argued against that statement reminding them they ate meals together, he not only attended their games but coached some of their teams, and he never traveled like he does now.  But he knew in his heart that the truth was, even though he was home he was not always present.  It seems that God was now calling him to a new way of living. 

Be present.  Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  

Kris also shared about the time he met a mentor of his in the world of ministry.  He was in complete awe of meeting his hero.  He went on to say that what he noticed about this man was that he made him feel like he was the only person in the room and what he was saying had this man's complete attention.  He was present in the moment. 

Bonnie's prompt today was to share about the quiet spaces we find.  I could not help but reflect on Kris's words from his children and his Creator.  And as I read Bonnie's quote, I pondered my own journey to a place of rest and soul nourishment.

One of my favorite quiet spaces is my morning walk with Joel.  We often hold hands, talking as we amble or powerwalk.  I love that time with my cowboy preacher.  It is healing for my soul, being present in that moment.

I wonder how often God has spoken "be present" into my distracted ears.....but I was too busy to hear.  He beckons us to quiet spiritual whitespaces with Him.  With those we love.  With ourselves.  With the now.

Be present He whispers.  It is nourishment for the soul.

I am linking up with Bonnie over at Faith Barista for Spiritual Whitespace Thursday.

. 

Space To Breathe

This week Bonnie Gray over at Faith Barista asked her readers to write about an experience with spending time in quietness. Bonnie wrote a book I have talked about here often as part of her launch team ~~"Finding Spiritual Whitespace:  Awakening Your Soul To Rest".  Whitespace is that space where we rest with God as His beloved.  Finding joy in the quiet places.

When I read Bonnie's prompt, I immediately saw in my mind a recent moment of quietness.  Joel and I were channel surfing one evening and could not find anything worthwhile to watch on the screen from our comfy chairs.  After a few minutes Joel stood up and said, "I am not going to sit and watch lousy TV another night.  Let's do something!  Let's go to the lake".  Iowa has very few lakes but there is one only a 20 minute drive from us that we enjoy going to.  We grabbed our sunglasses and hats and off we went.

Soon we found ourselves sitting on a bench in front of the lake.  The sun was warm and low on the horizon and the winds were gentle.  Several people were strolling together along the walkway and others were sitting on the beautiful stone wall built during the depression era. Boats, pontoons and jet skies criss-crossed through the water as it reflected the sun's light.  Families stood out on the docks fishing.  Far across the horizon the "Lady of the Lake" double-decker paddlewheel boat was taking people for a evening ride.

As we sat together arm in arm, I could feel my body relax.  Large bodies of water seems to have that affect on people, or at least on us.  We spent a glorious hour de-stressing while enjoying the view.  Conversation was optional as we sat quietly watching a screen only nature could create.  It was such an enjoyable evening we have gone back a few more times. 

It is so important to take time for quiet spaces, for whitespaces where we rest with God.  Where we stop doing and embrace being.  Bonnie's book, "Finding Whitespace" is a wonderful guide for moving into that place of rest, of trusting God while sitting in quietness. 

I am linking up today with Bonnie and her Whitespace Link Up.

Finding Spiritual Whitespace: A Review

Over the past three weeks I have been reading Bonnie Gray's new book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace:  Awakening Your Soul To Rest".  Bonnie Gray is the writer behind Faith Barista and has had her work featured on Dayspring's (in)Courage site and Crosswalk.com.  After graduating from UCLA she served as a missionary, missionary entrepreneur, and Silicon high-tech professional.  She now lives in northern CA with her husband and two sons.

As part of Bonnie's launch team, I received the book before it's release and was required to write an honest review after reading it.  I am linking my review up to Faith Barista's Blog Tour where you can read many reviews and posts centered around this fascinating book.

As an avid reader, I expected to read the book quickly, and breeze right into the review, but God had other plans.  When I opened the pages of her book, I found myself caught up in her story, His story, and my own.   Bonnie, a strong, confident woman of God, was suddenly overcome with repressed childhood memories surfacing, debilitating panic attacks, and more.  She was diagnosed with PTSD and went into therapy with a top PTSD therapist where with courage, she began to process and heal from her traumatic childhood.  The result of her journey is her book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", where she shares her walk on the printed page with grace, vulnerability and honesty.   Each chapter gives us glimpses into her personal story, and how Jesus walks with her, guiding, directing and healing her past.  In this process Jesus beckons Bonnie to rest in and with Him because He knows that the resting is where the soul is nourished and healing comes.   Bonnie says,

"When we step into whitespace, we are no longer holding on to our old ways

of coping managing, and doing.  We are only holding on to Jesus."  

At the end of each chapter we are invited to participate in the exercises provided, which will guide you into your own places of rest with Jesus, those places you may have hidden deep within that are in need of His healing touch.  This book is not only a memoir, but so much more.  We are given permission here to be our authentic selves, stop avoiding or covering the pain in our lives with busyness and activity, and embrace a full and intimate relationship with Jesus as His beloved. Bonnie invites us to stop and find God in the quiet places within.

On a personal note, my quick read turned into a three week adventure into my own hidden places.  I was only a couple chapters into the book when I began to experience nightmares and flashbacks that revealed more repressed childhood memories.  God was calling me to let Him be with me, as is....trusting His plan for me.  Even though it can be difficult,  I know that "awakening my soul to rest", the unearthing within, is bringing healing and the freedom Jesus speaks of.  "It is for freedom Christ sets us free..." (Gal.5:1) 

I have read hundreds of books over the years, and I can honestly say this book is very special and one I will return to again and again. The journey with Bonnie to find spiritual whitespace brings us into our own. We find Jesus there in the whitespaces as He beckons us~~ "Come to Me.......I will give you rest..." (Matthew 11:28-30)  I truly believe this book by Bonnie Gray is anointed by God to open hearts and restore souls.   "Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul To Rest" is a powerful read and I recommend it to everyone.

Dear Little Renee

Today's prompt from Bonnie over at Faith Barista is to write a letter to our self when we were a child.  She asks us to write what we would say to her, knowing what we know now. This has been very difficult for me to do, although I am not sure of all the reasons why.  I think partly because I still struggle with the need-for-approval demon and partly because I still am processing the raw memories that surfaced whiled reading Bonnie's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace".   I have learned, though, that sometimes the only way out is through.

Dear Little Renee,

There are so many things I want to tell you, most importantly that you have a voice.  A voice that is a force to be reckoned with.  That even when the people around you were not listening, Someone was.  Someone is. Jesus hears your voice and He delights in it.  He believes what you say, Little Renee.  Remember, you have a voice....  

It also is very important that no matter how you feel, you know deep in your heart and soul that are not alone.  Never, ever.  Papa God has been with you since the day you were conceived as part of His creation.  He has called you His beloved, and has never left your side.  When it is just you in the skin-on-skin and you don't feel safe, you are still not alone.  Jesus was with you in the silence, in the pain, the grief, the endless battles to combat fear.  Jesus was with you crying when you cried, laughing when you laughed, urging you to climb up on His lap to rest.   Jesus wants you to know that His lap is safe.  Little Renee, He wants you to know that resting in His arms is a secure place to be and you can trust Him always.  You are good at surviving, but you can be good at resting too.  Resting meaning trusting.  You can trust Papa God, Little Renee, He will not hurt you.  He does not lie or break His promises. 

What you have gone through does not have to be buried or hidden any longer.  You do not have to pretend all is well or smile when you would rather frown.  You do not have to make others happy by avoiding or ignoring your own pain.  It is not your job to tell others they will be okay when your seven year old world is falling apart inside.  Being strong is being truthful.  You do not have to always be the good little girl because you believe that if you are good nothing bad will happen. 

Here is what I know now in the latter years of my/our life.  We are never alone.  We have a voice worth listening to.  There is power in our voice because Jesus with His power lives in us.  We are important but not any more important than anyone else.  We are amazing in God's eyes.  We are enough.  We. are. e.n.o.u.g.h.   Being perfect is better left to Jesus.  Papa God's joy is our strength.  We are loved.  Oh, yes, we are loved.   So, we can rest.   Just rest, just rest.

 I am linking up with Bonnie over at Faith Barista

Just Walking Through

I have been reading Bonnie Gray's book, Finding Spiritual Whitespace" and linking my posts up to Bonnie's Blog Tour  I plan to write a review for tomorrow, although I am sure readers know how I feel already!  Reading Bonnie's story has been a bit like opening Pandora's box for me.

Bonnie has been seeing one of the leading PTSD therapists in the country to help her along her journey with PTSD and childhood traumas surfacing.  He is a Christian man with great wisdom, and the bits and pieces of Dr. P.'s insights she has shared have been helpful for me, too.  In one section Bonnie wrote about the intense and sometimes subtle physical symptoms that occur when she is remembering or reliving a traumatic memory.   When reading her words I found myself nodding my head in agreement.  Confirmation came off those pages for me.

You see, when I was healed by Jesus from Lyme Disease, many things changed for me.  I have written about it here often.  But some symptoms hung around and would get worse when I was dealing with certain kinds of stress, or memories surfacing from childhood traumas.  When I began to have flashbacks with  PTS two years ago,  I decided to seek help through Sozo ministry which is a Holy Spirit guided inner healing ministry.   After several sessions I was doing very well, so I decided the PTS the doctors had diagnosed me with was wrong.....or at least now gone.   But even though the flashbacks were minimal to none, certain physical symptoms would increase or come back periodically.  Then Holy Spirit gently guided me to the a cause and affect connection.  Thankfully, over time as healing occurs, physical responses have lessened and I am now better equipped to acknowledge and walk through those times pretty quickly.  If not, I know in time this too shall pass.  Reading Bonnie's book, (thank you Jesus) has confirmed what I was experiencing and has given me new insights.  I was empowered by what she says about PTSD. 

"Maybe PTSD isn't who I really am.

Maybe it is just what I am walking through. 

 Maybe "beloved" is who I really am."

                                                                                                   Bonnie Gray

It is the truth that sets us free. And where do we find the truth?  In God's Word.  We are not a label, or a diagnosis.  We are just walking through those things.  What we are is God's beloved.  His b.e.l.o.v.e.d.  The truth, the TRUTH we find in HIS Word sets us free from the past.....from a diagnosis.....from being held captive to old memories and events that still try to define us.  I have received amazing physical and emotional healing in the past 18 months as Holy Spirit has unearthed that which was hidden and I have learned to trust the Healer more and more.  I, too, am just walking through!  Bonnie's book has been an amazing part of my journey and I am grateful for the truth she speaks.  The Truth sets us free.  The Truth says all His promises are yes and amen.  And the Truth says God delights in us.  He thinks we are amazing.  We are HIS beloved.

Our Story Is His Story

There is a heavy weight of stress we carry when we attempt to keep our story hidden from ourselves and from others.  When we are afraid to face the truth about ourselves.....what we have done or what has been done to us.

Bonnie Gray shares these insights in her book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", which  counter balances the "just get over it" mentality echoed from a segment of our society.  A mentality that seems to come from a belief that we need to deal with our brokenness by burying, pushing past, denying, glossing over, or ignoring it.  This is so not healthy and I don't believe it is part of God's plan either.  Burying  parts of our past does not make us strong,  it actually weakens us.  It takes great courage to embrace and speak about our personal stories and then step out in faith, trusting God for the healing that will come when we realize that "God's mission field is your heart." (Bonnie Gray)

Not everyone chooses to write out their story in a public fashion.  We are vulnerable when we put our heart out on the Internet.....(Lysa TerKeurst) or as Bonnie has in the form of a powerful book.  I  believe that being able to voice that which holds us captive is cathartic and empowering.  Hopefully it is not anyone's intention to hurt someone, but to help others.  I know that when I share my story my goal, like Bonnie's, is to empower others and give God praise for how He has walked with me on my journey to wellness.

Bonnie is a well educated and professional woman.  She was a wife, mom, author, and speaker when in an instant her life took a dramatic turn.  A sudden panic attack left her confused and shaken, eventually leading to a diagnosis of PTSD from a traumatic childhood.  For many years she had been "strong" and dealt with her past by denying, forgetting, or pushing past that which hounded her.  Until she had no choice....until Jesus met her in the middle of her mess of PTSD and repressed memories bubbling to the surface.  He took her hand and walked with her into the light. 

Courage. Bonnie had the courage to seek help and she has the courage to listen to what Jesus tells her......to embrace her inner child and let Him love her.  And to let Him walk with her and the little wounded girl inside as they journey into all that He has for her.  Healing........freedom.

We all have a story to share.....and how realistic or healthy is it for our children, loved ones, or others if we only acknowledge the good....and deny or erase the bad, or even the ugly?    Our story is God's story...of truth, of brokenness, of healing, of redemption, of success and failure, of God's desire to heal our hearts.  Our story is His story.

To Unearth Will Heal

 to unearth:  to find something that has been lost or hidden

to discover or disclose

to uncover

I have been reading Bonnie Gray's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", taking my time so as to reflect and journal some of the questions and ideas she shares at the end of each chapter.  She has opened her heart, sharing not only her story of childhood repressed memories that have surfaced with PTSD, but of how Jesus is walking her through to a place of healing. Her courage and insights have been life changing. 

Bonnie's book is a very powerful read and for me it has unearthed some old childhood memories.  That which has been hidden for 60 years has been disclosed, uncovered.  In some ways it has been tough to re-experience these memories long buried, but I know God sent this book into my life as another step in my own healing journey.  The unearthing has made me sad, and it has taken my cowboy preacher to a rare place of anger, but it has also been cathartic.  I know Jesus is wanting me to be set free from the past and I take comfort in knowing that He was with me so long ago, just as he is today. 

I have found it difficult to write about.....too raw yet to put into words.  But I believe that everyone who opens the pages of Bonnie's book will be changed for the better, and from the posts I have read that were written by others on the launch team, it appears so.  This book has been anointed by God and Bonnie's courage to write with such openness and honesty from beginning to end will touch you with the Father's love that comes through each chapter. 

I am linking up today with Bonnie for Whitespace Thursday.

A Carousal Gift

For the last three years I have spent time most mornings enjoying what Bonnie Gray would call  spiritual whitespace moments.  After meditating on scripture, I lean back, close my eyes and visually go into the garden of my heart where I meet with Jesus, and sometimes Holy Spirit comes and Papa God too.  It is here that I spend time alone with God.

 As I close my eyes, I ask Holy Spirit to control my thoughts, pray for the armor of God to protect me, and open my mind and heart to what unfolds, believing it is orchestrated by the Creator.  It is not my imagination, it is Holy Spirit using this time of spiritual imaging to guide, to speak, and to teach me.  I am often surprised by what unfolds, but have learned to trust the process.  Meditation with spiritual imaging is one of the ways God speaks to me. and I consider it a precious gift.

I feel so blessed to be able to connect with God this way, and since the beginning I have written down every encounter, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.  I often look back to re-read what I written to remind me of God's love.

Recently in the Garden I was speaking to Jesus about a nightmare that had uncovered a childhood trauma.  This came to me soon after I began reading Bonnie's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace.".  I  knew from experience that I could go through the Sozo inner healing techniques of forgiving the person involved and giving the event over to Jesus.  In doing so I could find rest and healing from this memory. At the end of this process I held out my hands for a blessing or gift in response,  and Jesus handed me a miniature carousal.  I pondered what the gift meant, and later I decided it may have been Jesus' way of telling me that I was being set free from the childhood trauma.  In forgiving and releasing, my inner child could find joy and delight in things like riding a carousel!.

Just two nights later my husband Joel and I sat down to watch the movie, "Saving Mr. Banks".  In the movie the author of the Mary Poppins books remembers her difficult childhood as she works with Walt Disney to make Mary Poppins into a movie.  Her childhood holds her captive in many ways and affects her adult life to the point of all fun childlike things being pushed to the side as silly.....She eventually does find joy in the process of making this movie.   What stood out for me was the scene where Walt Disney takes her to Disneyland and has her ride the carousal.

I found myself mesmerized by the merry-go-round and the woman as she enjoyed such a delightful child like adventure.  I could not help but think about what Jesus had handed me just two days earlier while in the garden of my heart.  This was not a co-incidence.  This was a God-incidence.

Can you guess what I have added to my 'bucket list"?  Yes, somewhere in my future I will be climbing up on a horse and riding a carousal as God smiles and says, "Enjoy my child!  I have set you free......enjoy!"

I am linking up with Bonnie today for whitespace Thursdays......

But You Would Have None Of It

I wear two silver bracelets on my arm, purchased from Ann Voskamp's son Caleb.  It is his way of helping raise money for the country of Haiti.  Engraved on one is the name above all names ~ JESUS.  On the other bracelet is part of a verse God soaked me in last year. A verse that I hold close to my heart.  "In quietness and trust is your strength".

I have been reading Faith Barista's blog for a couple of years now, so I am excited to be on her launch team.  A part of that is to read her new book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", for release the first week of June.  As I read the introduction, my desire to journey into Bonnie Gray's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace" was reaffirmed by God when she shared the verse found Isaiah 30:15.

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

In quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

Isaiah 30:15

There it was......the rest, the quietness, the trust.  God has been speaking to me for over two years about this and I have been learning to settle in, trust and rest in my Papa's arms.  When I read this verse in Bonnie's intro, the last seven words jumped out at me.  But you would have none of it. 

Oh my goodness, at first I did not want to rest, as I shared recently, HERE.  I desired healing with everything within me, but I found myself wanting to do it my way,  striving instead of trusting.  I would ask over and over, "what do you want me to do, Holy Spirit."  Sometimes I would get answers that required action, but these actions needed to come from a place of trust and belief, not fear.  Often I would hear, "just trust me".  A renewing of the mind was required.

Until a year ago I was not at peace in the quietness mentioned in this verse.  Silence made me uncomfortable and restless.  Like Bonnie, I was much more at ease in the doing instead of  the being  ~~paddling upstream with a determination to avoid pain from the past and in the present that often resulted in exhaustion, instead of just resting and letting the current take me downstream.  Moving through the past in order to walk freely into the future. 

I am able to look back on the last 18 months now and see how much things have changed for me.  Using the inner healing ministry techniques from a ministry called "Sozo" has helped me to remember, process, and let go of several childhood traumas.  Asking Holy Spirit to cleanse me from what has held me captive is setting me free.  Truly.   Healing has come both emotionally and physically.  My relationships with Papa, Jesus, and Holy Spirit have deepened into a love that is hard to describe.  I have not arrived yet, but the journey continues to be a series of adventures I am grateful to experience with Jesus by my side.

I am so thankful that God did not leave me where I was, but continued to provide and still does provide opportunities for me to embrace wholeness in Him, while helping others along the way.  I am so grateful that I can read the end of that verse now and not see myself any longer in the "but you would have none of it."  Oh, don't get me wrong, stuff still comes to the surface and at times I want to paddle upstream away from it, but I find it much easier to take a deep breath out of obedience and plunge in and let the current take me.  Often "the only way out is through" as Joyce Meyer likes to say. 

I plan to share more as I walk into Faith Barista's story shared in her book,  and discover more of my own journey in the process.  I hope you do too.

Resting In His Arms

Papa God held out His arms and the little girl ran into them, holding tightly to His neck. She felt so safe sitting on His lap, feeling her Creator envelop her.  She smiled, sighed, and leaned back to rest, trusting His embrace.

It was not always so.  The little girl of so long ago did not trust sitting on laps, did not trust the words spoken to her.  She did not always believe others would be there for her.  She did not trust Papa God would be there for her with His pure love, but Jesus walked quietly with her and He was patient, beckoning, revealing.  Healing is here He whispered.  Freedom is here.  Healing for the heart and soul of the child now adult.  Even with resistance she found rest in the midst of the journey and in the resting, trust.  In quietness and trust she found her strength, as she listened to her Father's Voice. 
 

Today I am linking up with Bonnie Gray over at Faith Barista as I choose a quote from her book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", to write about.  As part of her launch team I am reading and reviewing her book, and I am delighted to do so.  Like so much of what Bonnie writes in her book or on her blog, this quote resonated deep inside where the little girl resides.  I laughed with joy when reading it!

You see, in the past two years I have learned more about God's love than I ever thought possible.  I knew God loved me...I knew he cared....my faith has been the center of my life for fifty plus years.  But understanding and experiencing His love was limited and did not penetrate deep into my soul, the soul of the child within, until God broke through the wall of fear surrounding my heart.  This came to pass when He placed me on a path of healing....soul and body. 

Holy Spirit opened my heart to this indescribable love, an intimate relationship with Jesus that leaves me wanting only more....and more.  It has been and still is a process.....an awakening of the soul as Bonnie says so well.   Joy running over!  Oh, yes, I do feel loved.  I do feel cherished!  Even though it has been difficult at times to sit in the whitespace Bonnie speaks of,  I would be on no other journey. Never alone, always guided, and always safe in Papa God's arms.  Is there any better place to be?

 In the fall of 2012 he spoke to me 23 times from 23 different sources, Matthew 11:28-30.  "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest..."  I learned I cannot rest without trust.  There needs to be trust to be able to lean back and relax in Papa God's arms.  He opened my heart to the Comforter who lets me know on a daily basis that He is here with me. My mind has step by step been renewed by His Word, teachings, and the stories others share.

Finding Bonnie's blog, Faith Barista is another of the many ways God has guided me on this journey.  Her book is one more place of healing. Only God.  That is why I write of it, giving thanks for her story......and for being able to share mine.  My story of how the broken parts of me are being mended and restored.  My story of resting in Papa God's loving arms in quietness and trust.