A Scrabble Education

Joel and I started playing Scrabble this winter to pass the time away as we shelter inside, and it gives our brains a work out too.  We were pretty much going back and forth on who would win until.......  until the time came where I lost 5 games in a row.  It was then I noticed I was not having a great attitude.  My, "I'm happy for you Joel, great game!" was a bit forced.  After game five I was expecting to lose every time I sat before the board. I would not stop playing cuz I'm stubborn, but I was moping and began to speak negatively.  It is not easy to write this......reality bites

I won a game and then lost another.  Last night as I lay in bed after having a pity party for one.....I realized that the game of scrabble was revealing something raw about how I was seeing my life.  How I was seeing myself.  It was not pretty.  I had just spoken in a community group about how we speak life or death with our words,  Two choices there as stated in Proverbs 18:21....

Life    or   Death. 

So what am I speaking?  Part of what I had been saying aloud is that I was not smart enough for this game.  Joel is smarter....thus wins more......and it morphed into what really was getting to me deep deep inside. This past year of health challenges has me believing Joel is healthier....cuz I don't have what it takes to see my full healing.  I have been dealing with some major symptoms and felt I was losing the battle.  IF I believe in full healing for everyone, where was mine?  God wants us well, so I must be blocking the way.  Again, not easy to confess.

Through playing Scrabble I became aware of how I am speaking over myself and thinking about myself.  God has been using a board game to show me what is going on at a deeper level.  Something He wants to unearth and bring out into the light for His healing touch.  He is so loving isn't He!  He never leaves us where we are.  Leave it to God to give me a Scrabble education!

"We Have Arrived In Hell"

In the winter of 2015 we took our first trip to Arizona.  A blizzard forecast for the mountains directed us farther south so we drove along the border, came up through Tucson and stopped in Arizona City where we visited friends Lyn and Marie.  When leaving their home away from home we got lost and ended up on a road to nowhere......surrounding us was nothing but desolate land.  Isolated and empty flat desert and more desert.   I remember turning to Joel and saying, "We have arrived in hell."

It is what I imagined hell to be like.  Desolate.  Empty.  Barren.  It came to mind today while thinking about where I had found myself the past three weeks.  All because of one decision.

The decision we had made resulted in me stepping into a deep cavern, a black hole, bottomless and sucking every dream, hope, and promise in to it.  There was good to come from this, but I could not get past what I saw as loss.  I grieved.  My body felt weighed down as a spirit of heaviness enveloped me.   I was two weeks into living in the barren desert of my emotions, when I identified it. Depression.  It stunned me. Everything an effort, tears washing my face, heart hurting.  Silence welcoming while at the same time deafening.  Frozen in place with graceful movements an effort.

I tried to focus on the family coming.  Thanksgiving was a bit of a reprieve, we do love being with our family. I thought I was pulling it off, the "everything is great" act until our oldest asked a question...."Are you happy, Mom?"  I had to think about it.  I paused and took a breath and replied..."Most of the time...." I knew as soon as I said it aloud that it echoed false.  I was not happy. Guilt crept in.

How can I not be happy!?!  I recovered from surgery, radiation is mostly a thing of the past.  My latest mammogram was good......I can see well now with cataract surgeries long behind me.  So much to be thankful for.....and yet.......I. want. more.  I want to see what I have been believing for. What we have been believing for.   I sense it so close, but I do not see it.  I see it not.

How can we not be happy?  Joel has fill-in work.  He is well liked in the pulpit and likes to be there, so there is enough Sunday preaching, he helps others out, it helps us financially.  Still, we. want. more.  This is not what we planned. We planned to be desert birds, or at least snow birds.  More importantly we planned for  a new adventure with God.  And we believed from what we were told and felt, that God had a new purpose awaiting us.  Weary of chair sitting we long for more.  Lately it had not seemed possible.  Not one promise of God is empty of power,  but I had forgotten that.

A perfect storm of circumstances and more had come together, releasing a deep spirit of heaviness over me.  In my mind this one decision was erasing our future dreams and God's promises. I found myself on that desert road to nowhere.  So many tears, so much sadness.  I was surprised by my reactions.   Here's the thing, though. My response opened my eyes....our eyes......because I usually don't experience depression...situational for a day or two, but nothing like the hopelessness that filled me.

I expect some would have said, "Suck it up buttercup" or "think positive".  "If you have Jesus than you can't be depressed."  "Be thankful!"  But Joel said to me, "It is okay, how you feel. Just feel it, walk through it, and it will pass."  Thank you, Joel.  For your prayers, your loving support,  and your wisdom.

Recognizing the heaviness for what it was, I started seeking insights from God ~ everything rang hollow.  But then an online friend, Michelle, who often speaks out prophetically,  posted something on Facebook that had my full attention.  She wrote (in general) that through the struggles, pain, exhaustion, tears, sorrow, etc. God has great plans for you.  Even if nothing makes sense, remember that God has great plans for you!  Simple and straightforward, for me it was profound and as I read it once, then twice ~  a weight began to gently lift off of me. A light began to appear.......so I asked God for more, but silence echoed.   Then a couple of days later while resting, His response washed over me with the words of Dr. Simmons in a Passion Translation prophesy,  and in God's written Word. "Praise Me.  Praise releases breakthrough. Praise.....praise....praise..."  In obedience we began to praise Him.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,

 to give them beauty for ashes,

 the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; 

that they might be called tress of righteousness, 

the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified"

Isaiah 61:3

We began to praise God, as Ann Voskamp tells her readers, by giving thanks for every gift in every moment.  It has not been easy for me, I admit, but it is releasing breakthrough.  And that decision?   I laid it at God's feet again and again as needed, and over the course of a few days He closed the door.  We released it to the One we can trust, praised God for His goodness,  and He closed the door.  We both now feel a sense of peace about it and God is replacing the spirit of heaviness with joy as we trust and praise Him.

Going through this valley of darkness opened my eyes to some vulnerable thinking, some "lies" I was believing.  It also opened my eyes to trusting not only God, but the gift of discernment He has blessed me with.  This experience has helped me to recognize once again that even in the desert when it feels like we have arrived in Hell, we are never alone.  Oh, friends, I hope this resonates for some of you as you read my words.  We are never alone.  We can give praise for that, can't we.  We can give praise for so many things.  Wearing a garment of praise is so much better than carrying around a spirit of heaviness.

What Is Right With People?

We are saying good-bye to September today.  The months seem to blend together and yet are divided by the elements and events of our lives.  Last September I was one week out of cancer surgery and recovering well at home.  This past year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and continues I must say with all that comes at us from the political arena and the shootings, the stabbings, the bombs, the train and plane crashes. The police, the lone gunman, the radicalized, the broken all fill our screens and our minds with images we would rather forget.  My words are often an echo from one day to the next..........."What is wrong with people!?!"

It is too easy to focus on the worst of the worst laid out before us, so today I need to ask, what is right with people?  I can't help but think about the people in the most recent tragedy in New Jersey, who reached out quickly to help others even though they believed the glass ceiling was coming down and could land on them.  I remember the Somali citizens coming together in St. Cloud to condemn what one of their community had done in the mall that night...stabbing innocent people as he acted out his own twisted thinking on people shopping.  I remember those who went around in their cars praying over Charlotte, N.C. while other church leaders came between the police and those protesting and rioting.  I even remember our family during this political season, who gather together as one, yet vote both "sides" in the elections.  We don't always understand each other's perspectives, but we do respect each other and the right to vote each person holds.

What is right with people?  On Friday nights Steve Hartman always has a short segment at the end of the CBS national news that warms our hearts as he shares a story of what is right with people in our country. Joel and I try not to miss it.  It leaves us with a smile and a renewed hope for our country.

Forgiveness, honesty, understanding, service, love, peace, respect, encouragement, and so much more.  This is what is right with people.  And we need to center ourselves in the midst of all that. There are so many good, honest, loving, faith-full, forgiving, serving, respectful people in our country, in our world.  Oh, Lord, let me be listed among them.

Today, as I deliberately shifted my thinking from what is wrong with people to what is right with people the world came into balance once again, and my equilibrium returned.  It is a good place to be.

Update: "Cancer-related Fatigue"

About 10 days ago I started to see an big increase in my energy.  I was washing windows, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning the house, and going places.  Ahhhhh  I thought.  I'm finally back to normal. And then I crashed.  Big.  Say, what??

After a week of struggling again with weakness, major fatigue, shaking and pain, we were in need of some heavy duty talking with Holy Spirit.  Pushing was not helping, speaking against the symptoms brought little relief.  I was beginning to worry that I  was being hounded by past sicknesses.

Holy Spirit set us straight.  He told Joel again that the weakness, fatigue, and shaking were the effects of the radiation.  Still.  Nearly 6 months later?  I wanted confirmation on what God was saying to Joel so I did some google research and was astounded to find some studies by the National Institute of Health, info from MedMD and the cancer sites, and message boards that said the same thing.  The fact is, like so many others, radiation is still limiting my life 6 months after I had my last treatment.

Many people were still feeling what was called, "cancer-related fatigue" for not only months after treatments ended, but years. It is really more like cancer treatment related fatigue.  The more research I did the more it was confirmed, not only was the affects of radiation still causing rib cage and breastbone tenderness and discolored skin, it was causing fatigue.  Major fatigue.  Fatigue "not diminished by rest or sleep".

The more I pushed the weaker I got.  The weaker I got the more my whole body vibrated and shook.  The more I shook the more anxious I got, the more anxious I got the harder I pushed, going in a circle like a dog chasing it's own tail.

This heaviness I feel is a reminder of the years I spent trying to function.  What I need to remember is that I am not that person anymore.  I can still do 3x what I could do then.  I just can't do what I have been doing the past couple of years.  I am walking 1/2 mile instead of 1 1/2.......I'm cooking, I'm going places, etc. BUT I have to rest a lot.  And the fatigue comes and goes on a moment's notice!  I found that information, too, while searching.  It was a relief to read about what I was experiencing and put a name to it.

I have shared the breast cancer journey with you all since the beginning.  I have learned quite a bit about myself along the way.  Joel and I both have as we put the pieces back together after facing a breast cancer diagnosis in the midst of moving to AZ.

Looking back we can see how God was beside us, ahead of us, and behind us every step of the way.  With His deep unfathomable love.........as always.  Every doctor and every nurse were caring and very skilled as I made my way through 3 surgeries and 31 radiation treatments.   So many praying.  And so many words from our Lord whispered in our ears, spoken by His children, and found in His Word.  A journey of trust and obedience even when, no, especially when it was hard to comprehend or understand.  A time to draw nearer to our Papa God.

So, what about our beliefs on healing?  What the Bible says about healing does not change because of my journey.  It does not change when God uses doctors and treatments instead of His healing power.  We have watched and listened to many healed by prayer alone.  We have been healed by Jesus through prayer and watched Jesus heal others as we prayed for them.  No, the truth about healing and our beliefs have not changed.  Jesus died for us.....salvation and healing are both connected to the cross and His sacrifice.  My recent experiences do not change that.  Knowing what is happening right now gives us a stronger sense of what to pray for.  It makes it easier to move away from telling God how BIG my problem is and move into telling my problem how BIG my God is!

So I am resting more and pushing myself less.  I  figure with time to sit, I have more time to read, study, pray and speak His Word,  and balance that out with a good fiction book or two, TV,  porch sitting, and coloring in my coloring book. I discovered I really like it.  Coloring,, that is.  Not resting.

Back to the trust and obedience thing.  Every one of us have our own stories worth sharing.  All our faith stories lead us back to our Lord.  They include words like trust, obedience, love, forgiveness, and so much more.  There are times where we can just "see" God walking with us. These are stories that others need to hear.  Our stories encourage, stretch, comfort, and inspire. And most importantly, they keep us focused on God.  Our Healer, our Provider, our Protector, our Savior.

As this saga continues to ebb and flow, I hope you find encouragement for your own journeys with what life throws your way.  We are stronger than we think and when we are not, God is!  In the midst of it all, God is.

Dear Little Renee

Today's prompt from Bonnie over at Faith Barista is to write a letter to our self when we were a child.  She asks us to write what we would say to her, knowing what we know now. This has been very difficult for me to do, although I am not sure of all the reasons why.  I think partly because I still struggle with the need-for-approval demon and partly because I still am processing the raw memories that surfaced whiled reading Bonnie's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace".   I have learned, though, that sometimes the only way out is through.

Dear Little Renee,

There are so many things I want to tell you, most importantly that you have a voice.  A voice that is a force to be reckoned with.  That even when the people around you were not listening, Someone was.  Someone is. Jesus hears your voice and He delights in it.  He believes what you say, Little Renee.  Remember, you have a voice....  

It also is very important that no matter how you feel, you know deep in your heart and soul that are not alone.  Never, ever.  Papa God has been with you since the day you were conceived as part of His creation.  He has called you His beloved, and has never left your side.  When it is just you in the skin-on-skin and you don't feel safe, you are still not alone.  Jesus was with you in the silence, in the pain, the grief, the endless battles to combat fear.  Jesus was with you crying when you cried, laughing when you laughed, urging you to climb up on His lap to rest.   Jesus wants you to know that His lap is safe.  Little Renee, He wants you to know that resting in His arms is a secure place to be and you can trust Him always.  You are good at surviving, but you can be good at resting too.  Resting meaning trusting.  You can trust Papa God, Little Renee, He will not hurt you.  He does not lie or break His promises. 

What you have gone through does not have to be buried or hidden any longer.  You do not have to pretend all is well or smile when you would rather frown.  You do not have to make others happy by avoiding or ignoring your own pain.  It is not your job to tell others they will be okay when your seven year old world is falling apart inside.  Being strong is being truthful.  You do not have to always be the good little girl because you believe that if you are good nothing bad will happen. 

Here is what I know now in the latter years of my/our life.  We are never alone.  We have a voice worth listening to.  There is power in our voice because Jesus with His power lives in us.  We are important but not any more important than anyone else.  We are amazing in God's eyes.  We are enough.  We. are. e.n.o.u.g.h.   Being perfect is better left to Jesus.  Papa God's joy is our strength.  We are loved.  Oh, yes, we are loved.   So, we can rest.   Just rest, just rest.

 I am linking up with Bonnie over at Faith Barista

Streams In The Desert

"Then will the lame leap like a deer

and the mute tongue shout for joy.

Water will gush forth in the wilderness

and streams in the desert."

Isaian 35:6

I have been in a desert place with my writing lately. More than once I have clicked on "new post" and started to write, only to find my mind a blank, or my words are sounding empty.  I just have not had any inspiration or felt I had anything worth sharing.   It took me awhile to realize that this has been right where God has placed me ~ in the desert, searching and reflecting on some important things that He wants to teach me.  I am still in the middle of that place, but there is now a trickle of water that is starting to refresh my soul.

When I began this blog, I was going to use it to write articles like I did for a non-profit newsletter I published for over five years.  I sent it out to around 140 Christians who were living with chronic illnesses.  It was called, "The Encourager" and that was its purpose....to encourage and connect others who were mostly homebound and isolated.  I loved all aspects of this, but I became reactive to inks and could no longer continue.  Thus I started blogging.  A precious gift in and of itself!

I made a decision to write this blog without centering it on my illness.  My other blog, Renee's Reflections is where I share the ins and outs of Joel's and my journey with our health issues.   It was challenging, but I put forth the effort to make this blog inspirational without connecting my journey to our adventures with chronic illness.   What I ended up with, though, was a place where I felt limited and confined.  A place where I was not totally being myself.

Somewhere there is coming forth a place where I can be true to myself without always focusing on our illnesses.  A place that continues to feed my soul, encourage others, and glorify God.  A place of balance.  That needs to begin within me, and I don't feel balanced yet.  For several reasons, I am still in a desert place, but of course I am not alone!  God is with me, and He will lead me out of this wilderness just as He promises. For now, I wait in the desert, believing streams will flow once again.

 "A voice of one calling:

In the desert prepare the way for the Lord;

make straight in the wilderness

a highway for our God."

Isaiah 40:3

Grace vs Grief, Grudges, and Guilt

Today I watched Rick Warren at Saddleback Church on my laptop and he talked about forgiveness..I thought I did pretty well with forgiving others and moving on with the people in my life....and then he asked us to think about what people come up in our minds when he asked certain questions.

Like: "What memory do you have that continues to hurt you, and is it connected to another person?" "Is there anyone you blame your problems or unhappiness on?" Or: Who is the 1st person to come to mind when I ask the question, "What is the greatest hurt in your life?" Is there anyone you tend to keep score with...tit for tat....he hurt me first type of thing....And "Do you react negatively to someone because they remind you of someone else?
He brought up grief and sadness over a broken relationship, holding grudges against others, and feeling guilty about our own actions. This is where I had to take a good long look at my own inner self. I had to ask myself whether I was holding resentment towards someone else and was some of my sadness in a certain relationship due to feelings of rejection and lost expectations. I have always known that resentment makes us bitter and unhappy. It is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Guilt is a no brainer for me...lots of guilt ~ some real and most a figment of my imagination. I discovered I had some work to do to get to a place of letting go and letting God in certain areas of my life. I desire to come to a place of complete healing through grace.
So I ask you if you have any hidden resentments, grief, anger, or guilt that is holding you back from the pureness of God's love, forgiveness and grace? His amazing grace!!!! Maybe you want to ask the same questions that are listed above, write down or think about your answers and nail them to the cross of Jesus who died for us all. Maybe you want to let go and let God in your relationships and with yourself. Grace is a healing place .....a good place to be.

Incredibly Human

The other day I was reading a blog and came across the words "incredibly human". I don’t remember the blog, the posting, or even the writer….just the words…incredibly human. They jumped out at me and grabbed my attention at just the right time.
I must confess…..it has been difficult for me to accept myself as I am ~ imperfect. I wanted to be the perfect wife, a wonderful mother, beloved grandmother …..a person who would make a big difference in the world……an INCREDIBLE human being who would be remembered for her goodness and great accomplishments. A bit over the top, right? Still, these were my goals. BUT, alas, I have tasted failure in every area I mentioned ~ more than once. It has been hard to let go of these failures and sometimes I get stuck in the sludge of my own self-criticism.

I have spent a lot of time looking at what it means to be incredibly human. According to my husband, I am good at beating myself up. I like the term incredibly human as it has a place within it for forgiveness, kindness, and understanding. It reminds me that self criticism is self defeating. Because I am incredibly human I am going to make mistakes. Dwelling on my mistakes has at times given me little room to enjoy a full life. It is time to shed that negative pattern of thinking. All I have is the present. I plan to take this “present” ~ this gift of today and clean out the cobwebs of focusing on my life as an imperfect person so I can truly enjoy the life I am living now….as one who is incredibly human while being an incredible human.

I also gave thought what makes someone an incredible human being. I think my definition has been flawed. Always striving to be someone else and not accepting who I am is exhausting! With new insight I believe we are all incredible humans because we have been created in God's image, we are loved, and we have been wonderfully made. These are words we need to wear like a warm blanket.
Incredibly Human + An Incredible Human ~~~A good combination for us to embrace.

A Need To Plead

Today I am pleading with my God for relief. Today Heaven sounds mighty good. Today my optimistic attitude escapes me. Today I am barely treading water. Today I think God has mixed us up with someone else~ we can no longer handle what He has allowed to enter our lives. Today I cannot look in the mirror without seeing sadness, fear, discouragement, and failure. Today is not a good day. Today I am pleading with my God for peace. Today I want to be rescued from my life. Today is not a good day to believe everything I think.