A Firestorm

Whiskeytown Lake

last fall

A few days ago I noticed on my Facebook feed that there was a forest fire near Redding California.  Redding is surrounded by mountains and sits in a desert valley in the northern part of the state.  It is the home of Bethel Church, a large charismatic prophetic church that in well known across the world.  Joel and I went there last fall for 10 days.  We spent 40 hours at the church engaging in a variety of worship and teaching activities.  I left a piece of my heart back in that church community.  We also got to know the city of 95,000 quite well enjoying some of their beautiful places like Whiskeytown  Lake and Mt. Shasta. 

Whiskeytown Lake

We learned very quickly that Whiskeytown and the surrounding Lake area had burned.  Overnight a fire that had consumed 6,000 acres was fueled by winds to consume 20,000 acres.  Just three days later 38,000 of the residents have had mandatory evacuations, with about half of the city escaping south on Interstate 5.  Everything in the city is covered in ash and smoke hides the sun.  As of Sunday morning, the fire now has consumed 89,000 acres and is only 5% contained. 

I am very aware that this is only one of many fires that are out of control in the West.  This one touches my heart in a special way.  I cannot imagine the trauma involved with some of the stories I have heard on Instagram or Facebook live.  The fire has created it's own weather pattern and some poeple only have a few minutes to get out of their homes before it came with a roar, a fire tornado,  and fierce attack, burning everything in it's path.  A firestorm.

Bethel Church is still in tact, and since the fire turned a different direction, it was able to hold worship services this morning.  We watched live on Facebook, their media center was blocked and in an evacuation zone so Bethel TV was not up and running.  They are putting their resources in with the shelters and Salvation Army, and are planning to help all individual church members who have lost their homes.  Today they worshiped and prayed with people.  Worship is a weapon of warfare and certainly this destructive fire is not from God.  It is the enemy that comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  Not God.  God comes to give us abundant life.  And prayer?  It is a powerful tool and wonderful way to connect with God. 

A firestorm.  Ever feel like you have one of those in your own life, made up of sickness or disease, financial difficulties, or loss, to name a few.  It can come like a firestorm, burning up everything in its path, Our problems can seem bigger than our God.  The only place to turn is to Jesus.  Jesus, our Savior, our Provider, our Healer, our Everything.  Sometimes all we can do is speak His name, remembering that there is power in His name.  Everything can look bleak, hopeless.  But Jesus.  Our circumstances overwhelm......but Jesus. 

Jesus has the answers for us in His Word.  His promises.  God never goes back on His promises.    We can find a promise for every circumstance.  Like the one Sean Bohls prophesied over Bethel and the city of Redding based on Romans 8:28  "All things work together for good for those who love the Lrod." 

Things look desolate in the Redding community, and the fire rages on.  Losing your home, your possessions, your sense of comfort and safety has to be extremely traumatic.  In the midst of the suffering is where Jesus comforts and sustains.   No matter what firestorm comes our way, we are never without our God.

What We Are Called To Do

Today Joel and I sat together on our loveseat and watched the funeral service live stream for Sgt. Anthony Beminio, which was held at Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines IA.  It was a moving ceremony, not only as we watched over 1,500 officers file in and salute the casket when they walked by, but as the Chief of Police, Dana Wingert, spoke about Tony Beminio and the fine officer he was.  As the Chief held back tears and spoke of everyone being heartbroken.   The sermon by Senior Pastor Michael Householder was one of the most powerful sermons Joel and I have ever heard.  E.v.e.r.  It was a beautiful combination of what this mega church is founded on.  Sharing the story of Jesus and obeying His commandment to love one another.  Householder began this mission church in 1993 and it has grown in leaps and bounds to encompass satellite churches in 3 other areas, while serving 10,000 members in their own suburb.  Only God.

It is difficult to understand why any 39 year old man dies, but especially someone who served his community well as an officer, worked with kids, encouraged others, and loved on his own family. People look for answers and too often believe God took him.  It was God's will he died.  Today Pastor Householder spoke what Joel and I both stand strongly on in our beliefs.  This was not God.  God did not take Sgt. Householder.  Satan did.  The actions of another did.  Sin did.  A broken world did. Jesus did not come to kill, steal or destroy.  Satan did that.  Pastor Householder spoke of the shortest scripture in the Bible....."Jesus wept" and that Jesus wept along with us over the senseless death of Tony Beminio.  As the Son of God and the Son of man, He wept.  And He continues to do so as He watches the sin and suffering, the hate spoken, the continual atrocities taking place in word and action by His creation.



So today we weep as we mourn the loss of yet another officer, as we mourn the death of a child of God, whether white, black, brown, or wearing blue.  We are saddened by another life that ended too soon. We weep for those left behind, the children.  Oh, how difficult it is for the children.

Still, we grieve with hope.  It is what we are called to do.  With the understanding that when someone we love dies we will see them again, that this is not all there is.  We grieve with hope and we move forward in hope and pray that something like this will not happen again. That some how some way hate and brokenness will not end in death and destruction.  Until then we stand firm in knowing that death is not the end.  It is a new beginning for those who believe in eternal life.

And those who are left behind pick up the pace, carry the shield of Sgt. Beminio and others in their hearts and take on his desire to be an outstanding officer...........outstanding citizen...........parent, son, husband, family member, neighbor, friend. We all step in to make where we do life a better place.  It is what we are called to do.

We Are Allowed To Break

"We are allowed to break".  These words were written at InCourage on Friday by a woman who is grieving the sudden death of her father.  So much loss, so much sadness overwhelming her.  Her pastor had the good wisdom to tell her it is okay.

"This is going to take time, and it’s okay to crumble on the living room floor, 

to weep and to cry out when the pain runs deep". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is okay to fall apart when a loved one dies. We are allowed to break.  So often people believe that because we are Christians we need to rejoice when a loved one dies.  After all, they are with Jesus. This is true, but it does not take away the loss those left here on earth experience.  During times of loss, we are allowed to break.

We are allowed to break, and our God understands.  He understands love and loss.  He created us us to express our emotions, to express our sadness.  We know our God is the God who comforts. Our God is the One who restores. Our God is the One who heals our brokenness, He does not ask us to deny our brokenness.  He whispers..........."Come to Me........."

Joel and I have both stood at the graves of our dads in childhood, and of our moms not so many years ago. We have buried our son Kevin, and grieved the loss of friends and other loved ones. Joel has presided over countless funerals and stood by death beds watching people take their last breath. He has helped a family say good-bye to their dad and husband who had been burned over 95% of his body, helped another family prepare their dead baby for burial.  He has sought to find words to comfort family members who question why their loved one was raped and murdered.  At times life can be difficult and death can be brutal.

There are all kinds of losses that cause us grief. There certainly was a loss of life and security when 9-11 occurred.  We grieve the senseless death and violence happening in our country right now. We grieve the loss of innocence that we are safe and sound on American soil. On some level Joel and I have experienced grief this past year with our plans to move falling apart, a diagnosis of breast cancer taking our breath away, radiation results beating up my body.  We grieve what was lost and what appears to be lost.   I would venture to say that nearly every person alive has experienced loss and grief. Besides the death of a loved one, maybe it is job or financial security that is taken away, the loss of a home or a beloved pet.  Maybe it is a loss of trust in a marriage or in relationships.

Grieving is part of life, and there are times we will break, we will fall apart.  It is okay.  God will bend down and wrap His loving arms around us and shelter us.  He will never leave us as we walk through the shadow of the valley of death.  As we grieve the losses in our lives, having our roots buried deep in our faith will be what sustains us.  We grieve with hope, knowing that we can stand on the truth of God's Word.  We hold tight to His promises, one by one and we trust God to come to us in our brokenness and put us back together.  

Grief and loss are a part of life.  We are allowed to break, yet we need to remember Who we turn to. We remember Who comforts, shields, heals, who puts us back together with tender loving care. We listen to His Voice calling us.........."come to me..........".

"Come To Me" by Jenn Johnson

Ten Years Gone

December 13th holds special significance in our lives.  It was 10 years ago yesterday....at 3:30 in the morning that we received a phone call from a hospital in CO telling us our 25 year old son, Kevin, had died of heart failure.  A virus attacked his heart and put him into congestive heart failure.

This past week we have been experiencing more sadness than usual.  As a pastor and pastor's wife we know that certain anniversaries intensify grief.  Still, it surprised us. We know that our son is in a much better place.  We adopted Kevin when he was 3, and he had gone through a horrific early childhood.  As his oldest sister, our Beth, said at the time of his death, he died of a broken heart, both physically and emotionally.  So we grieve, but we grieve with hope, knowing Kevin is with Jesus and is whole and healthy.  Whole and healthy!  And time does lessen the loss...it really does. 

Here is an article I wrote about Kevin years ago.  Fast Shoes And A Broken Heart.  He has been ten years gone, but also ten years whole and healthy.  And for that, we give thanks.  We will see him again some day!   We still grieve,  but we do so knowing where he is.  With Jesus. 

Hold Your Peace

"The Lord will fight for you,

and you shall hold your peace

and remain at rest."

Exodus 14:14

(AMP)

Across the world in the country of Uganda a baby died last night.  A precious child of God who had so much of life before him.  Born broken into a broken world he was.  But not left behind, he was ushered into the home of a young missionary as one of her "gems" in The Gem Foundation that cares for children with special needs.  Those in their care are loved on 24/7.  They are given the best care by nurses and nannies day and night, and they know the Father's love through the serving hands and hearts of others.  With loving on others often comes pain and sorrow.  It is often the way of this broken world we live in.  And sorrow has come with the loss of this precious child. 

Sweet Emma is fulfilling her calling as a missionary, having been called by God at age 8 or younger....  Determined, she would pray every night, "Please God, let me be the one who gets to help the orphans in Uganda."  This did not come from mom and dad, she drew them in with her passion and has been taking mission trips there to, as she calls it, "my Uganda" since she was 13.  Now at age 21 she lives in the red dirt of Africa and is experiencing firsthand the joys and sorrows of her calling.  God has orchestrated His plan for The Gem Foundation, the home Emma and her staff maintain for the "undesirable" to be loved and cared for.  The enemy comes to kill steal, and destroy, but God  is in the midst of them and the work He has ordained is coming to pass.

Prayers were lifted and knees bent to ask God to restore Arthur's health. And Arthur died.  I will not share my thoughts nor the thoughts of others here on God's will for healing.  There are unanswered questions, but today is a time to lift up Emma and her staff, and grieve with hope.  The hope of knowing Arthur is with Jesus.  The vision God provided for me in the wee hours of the night as I prayed  was of a radiant toddler, holding on to the hand of Jesus while laughing.  I expect this is how we all will feel when we enter Heaven.  Welcomed by Jesus, we will be radiant, joyful, and at rest in His Presence.

There is great loss being felt today for this child who touched the hearts of so many in his  Gem home and around the world.  Lord have mercy.  Hold up your children as they hold on to Your peace knowing that for Arthur, suffering has been replaced by joy.  Emma, the staff, Linny and Dwight and the family grieve in hope.  We all grieve with hope and hold on to peace.  God is with us.  He will fight for us.  Remain at rest and hold your peace, friends.  Hold your peace.

Please pray for Emma, the staff and the other children at The Gem Foundation home in Kampala Uganda.  Please pray for the family of Emma and the directors of  International Voice of the Orphan, Linny and Dwight Saunders and their treasures. 

Grieving With Hope

Yesterday my brother-in-law who helped raise me and was a father to me, was laid to rest. A great number of people attended the visitation, funeral and graveside service. Due to my health I was only able to attend the graveside service, but I was very thankful I could be there at all.

My husband has officiated at over 200 funerals and as his wife I have attended my fair share in years past. What we have learned is that funerals are kind of a mixed bag of emotions. For those who are Christians the service is a place not only to grieve the death of a loved one, but it is a place of celebration for that person's life. It is what we call grieving with hope~the hope of knowing our loved ones have gone to heaven to be with our Lord and that someday we will all be together again.

The lunch that follows is usually a time of not only expressing our condolences to the family, but also a time of sharing stories about the person who has died, and a time for fellowship with people we may not see very often. You will see tears and deep sadness along with laughter and joy filling the hearts of those who sit together, communing with nourishment. Nourishment not only for their bodies, but for their souls.

As Christians we have the peace of knowing that our loved ones who die before us are with our Lord. They are safe, secure and no longer enduring any earthly trials. We will miss them terribly and often an empty place finds permanent residence within us, but when we lift our eyes to the Heavens we will also be able to see through our pain to a quiet place of assurance in knowing. Knowing that they are in HIS presence.

Grieving with HOPE.

Finding Daylight

One of the best booklets I have ever read on grief came from a workshop my husband attended last fall on the subject of grief, loss, and the steps to recovery. The author, Elizabeth Harper Neeld, wrote a book entitled, "Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World". She wrote this is response to her own journey through the unexpected death of her young husband. She gives workshops on the subject of grief and loss and her book was given out to most everyone in NY after 9-11.
Of course there are many different losses that result in grief, but recently I have listened to or read about the grief that overwhelms people when someone they love has died. Debi from the blog, "Who Says Eight Is Enough", spoke of the young child Tuesday's death recently and how much it affected her, let alone the parents and family of this sweet child. One of my sister's called yesterday and shared that a friend of hers in the senior apt. complex she lives in was found dead in her bed. Another friend is in the process of dying from cancer throughout her body, and only a few months ago a woman my sister took care of and loved, died. Needless to say, she is experiencing alot of sadness at losing so many friends.
Grief is at times overwhelming. When our 25 year old son died 4 years ago, I remember feeling consumed by the pain of his passing. I was too ill to go to the funeral several states away, and had to stay home while my husband and older son flew by plane to the service. I felt completely empty and racked with pain...it was hard to breathe, move, or think about anything else the day of the funeral. It may sound morbid, but I asked Joel to take pictures of Kevin in the casket so that I could "see" his body. I knew it would be important for me to experience this as part of my grieving process. We also had a memorial service here at our church so all of our family could gather, celebrate his life, grieve his death, and find comfort in not only each other but the knowledge that he was with our Lord Jesus.
Life comes with loss, and from loss comes grief. We cannot avoid the grieving process ~ denying the feelings that comes from grief would be detrimental to our well-being. It is very important to work through the losses we experience and there are no rules for how long it takes. But there are choices we can make to help us through it.
For those who find themselves going through the loss of a loved one, let yourself experience and express your grief fully, keep close to those you love, and reach out for help in getting through it. Joel and I made these decisions and others to help us when our son died. It gave us what we needed to move through the process and find daylight once again.

Today Is A New Day!

Yesterday's meltdown came from an accumulation of events that started last week. I was deeply grieving our son's death when the 4th yr anniversay arrived. I wrote about it, which helped ~ but intense grief is it's own master in many ways and cannot be ignored for long. I could not hold my breath long enough to avoid taking it in, I needed to accept it so as to work through it. Other circumstances came in to play.....and the root cause of all of those had to do with my health issues....the many losses we have gone through due to my long battle with Lyme Disease and co-infections, which also have resulted in CFIDS and MCS ( a whole lot of reactions to foods and chemicals.) A financial crisis threw more salt into the wounds. The sadness and grief that surrounds these issues have voices that can be heard in a chorus at times. It is hard to seperate my health issues from my self. The borders blend together and I begin to feel responsible for all that has happened. I blame myself instead of my illnesses. I often feel I have disappointed those I love because of my limitations. I feel guilty as I watch my husband work himself into exhaustion because he not only cares for a congregation, but he cares for me and our home. Our marriage mobile is so out of balance. I feel frustrated and guilty that at our age we are having to deal with how to stay afloat in a leaky raft instead of dreaming about a comfy retirement.....I make it all about me.

When I make it "all about me" and take my eyes off of my Lord, it is difficult for me to want to keep going. It does not happen often, but yesterday was one of those days. We all have them don't we. So what do I DO when I am filled with discouragement and sadness?

I usually have to cry a bit...okay maybe more than a bit. Yesterday I also was very angry ~ which is very unproductive and takes alot of energy :) I also write. I express what I am feeling in the my own written word. I also express to God openly what I am feeling in "loud" prayers. I think most importantly I remind myself not to believe everything I think. I remind myself of God's faithfulness and I search out devotionals, books, scriptures, and recently blogs that encourage me and bring my focus back on God. Two of those blogs are listed in my blogroll here. ~ Beside Still Waters and Pearls of Wisdom. They bring me encouragement and peace and remind me of God's goodness. I also reach out to my online support group which is made up of others who live with chronic illness. And when I am ready I get back on my feet and face another day with hope.

These are ways I bring myself back into balance. Each of you have your own ways, I am sure. I am never down on the ground for long. It is not in my nature to do so. I look for ways to bring things back into focus and balance. I find what I need to sustain and nourish myself ~ with the Lord's help!
Today is a new day.

Fast Shoes And A Broken Heart

John 14:2 “”Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; and if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am.”

Four years ago today on December 13th our son, Kevin, age 25, died of congestive heart failure after a virus attacked his heart. Kevin had gotten sick with a respiratory virus a couple of months prior to this and eventually went to the doctor when he could not lie down and sleep without becoming short of breath. The doctors discovered that his heart was surrounded with fluid, and testing showed his heart was only functioning on a level of 20%. He would eventually need a heart transplant to save his life. He was put on oxygen and went home to wait for an appt. with a specialist.

On Dec. 13th we woke up to the phone ringing at 3:30am. A nurse from an ER in CO was on the phone telling us we needed to get down to the hospital right away as our son was in cardiac arrest and had “coded”. I told her we lived 4 states away and that would not be possible. I asked her to please have someone call us back as soon as they knew something more. In our bedroom Joel and I laid in bed holding each other, crying, and praying for our son. We finally received a call an hour later telling us that they could not resusitate him ~he had died. Kevin left behind a son, a newborn baby daughter, and a fiancé.

Joel and our oldest son flew out to CO for the funeral. My nephew and his wife offered for them to stay at their home and they also attended the funeral. I was too sick to travel. Due to our families living in the Midwest, we had a memorial service for our son at our church right after Christmas, so that everyone could attend.

At one point during a conversation with our oldest daughter, she made the comment that Kevin had died of a broken heart~ not just a physical broken heart, but also an emotional broken heart. There is a lot of truth in that statement.

Kevin came to us at age 3. He was a beautiful, quiet, little boy whom we had welcomed into our family when we were living out west. He had been neglected and abused by his birth mother and birth grandmother, and taken away from them when he was a year old. We also discovered a few yrs later that he had also been sexually abused in his foster home. Because of all this abuse, Kevin really trusted no one. He was filled with anger and even after years of therapy throughout his childhood years, he could not adjust to a family. We worked hard to keep him in our home, but when social workers and therapists strongly recommended that he be placed into a treatment center, we made one of the most difficult decisions of our parenting lives. At age 13 we placed Kevin at a Boys’ Ranch in S.D. He did very well there working with horses ~ you see, animals he could trust. He was even able to ride a horse in the inauguration parade for Pres. Clinton. When he was 19 he went to Job Corp and trained to be a mechanic, and this took him to CO. This is where his short and difficult life ended.

I am choosing to remember the good times with our son. The day we brought him into our family he came with only a grocery bag 1/3 full of all his belongings. We immediately took him shopping for clothes and shoes that would fit. When he put his new shoes on, with a big smile on his face he said, “NOW I HAVE FAST SHOES!” From that day forward Kevin's love for shoes was well known. We kept those first pair of shoes and our oldest daughter asked for them after he died. They hold special meaning for all of us. When Kevin first came to be with his forever family, I remember sitting by the bed and holding his hand at night until he fell asleep because of his fears. I remember Kevin playing football with his older brothers ~ wearing a jersey and helmet that engulfed him. I remember his excitement over Christmas and Birthday presents when he was little. I remember his baptism, his confirmation ~ even the time he came home from the ranch and helped me clean all the windows in the house. These, among other things, are what I choose to remember about our son. I have chosen not to dwell on the difficult times nor the what ifs…the could haves…should haves…maybes…

We have worked through a lot of our grieving. It has come in stages…we grieved when he told us about the abuse…we grieved when he had to leave our home…we grieved deeply when he died. We continue to grieve our son's death. But in many ways, Kevin is in a better place. Our good friend gave the sermon at his memorial service and he said, “Kevin has gone before us to Heaven where he awaits our homecoming. He went before us because, after all, he always did wear “fast shoes”.

We know that we can believe God’s promise…”I go to prepare a place for you..” He welcomed Kevin home and even though sadness still touches us at the most unexpected and expected times, we feel a sense of assurance, knowing that Kevin no longer suffers any internal pain. For the first time ever, he is at complete peace.