Yesterday's meltdown came from an accumulation of events that started last week. I was deeply grieving our son's death when the 4th yr anniversay arrived. I wrote about it, which helped ~ but intense grief is it's own master in many ways and cannot be ignored for long. I could not hold my breath long enough to avoid taking it in, I needed to accept it so as to work through it. Other circumstances came in to play.....and the root cause of all of those had to do with my health issues....the many losses we have gone through due to my long battle with Lyme Disease and co-infections, which also have resulted in CFIDS and MCS ( a whole lot of reactions to foods and chemicals.) A financial crisis threw more salt into the wounds. The sadness and grief that surrounds these issues have voices that can be heard in a chorus at times. It is hard to seperate my health issues from my self. The borders blend together and I begin to feel responsible for all that has happened. I blame myself instead of my illnesses. I often feel I have disappointed those I love because of my limitations. I feel guilty as I watch my husband work himself into exhaustion because he not only cares for a congregation, but he cares for me and our home. Our marriage mobile is so out of balance. I feel frustrated and guilty that at our age we are having to deal with how to stay afloat in a leaky raft instead of dreaming about a comfy retirement.....I make it all about me.
When I make it "all about me" and take my eyes off of my Lord, it is difficult for me to want to keep going. It does not happen often, but yesterday was one of those days. We all have them don't we. So what do I DO when I am filled with discouragement and sadness?
I usually have to cry a bit...okay maybe more than a bit. Yesterday I also was very angry ~ which is very unproductive and takes alot of energy :) I also write. I express what I am feeling in the my own written word. I also express to God openly what I am feeling in "loud" prayers. I think most importantly I remind myself not to believe everything I think. I remind myself of God's faithfulness and I search out devotionals, books, scriptures, and recently blogs that encourage me and bring my focus back on God. Two of those blogs are listed in my blogroll here. ~ Beside Still Waters and Pearls of Wisdom. They bring me encouragement and peace and remind me of God's goodness. I also reach out to my online support group which is made up of others who live with chronic illness. And when I am ready I get back on my feet and face another day with hope.
These are ways I bring myself back into balance. Each of you have your own ways, I am sure. I am never down on the ground for long. It is not in my nature to do so. I look for ways to bring things back into focus and balance. I find what I need to sustain and nourish myself ~ with the Lord's help!
Today is a new day.