Dear Little Renee

Today's prompt from Bonnie over at Faith Barista is to write a letter to our self when we were a child.  She asks us to write what we would say to her, knowing what we know now. This has been very difficult for me to do, although I am not sure of all the reasons why.  I think partly because I still struggle with the need-for-approval demon and partly because I still am processing the raw memories that surfaced whiled reading Bonnie's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace".   I have learned, though, that sometimes the only way out is through.

Dear Little Renee,

There are so many things I want to tell you, most importantly that you have a voice.  A voice that is a force to be reckoned with.  That even when the people around you were not listening, Someone was.  Someone is. Jesus hears your voice and He delights in it.  He believes what you say, Little Renee.  Remember, you have a voice....  

It also is very important that no matter how you feel, you know deep in your heart and soul that are not alone.  Never, ever.  Papa God has been with you since the day you were conceived as part of His creation.  He has called you His beloved, and has never left your side.  When it is just you in the skin-on-skin and you don't feel safe, you are still not alone.  Jesus was with you in the silence, in the pain, the grief, the endless battles to combat fear.  Jesus was with you crying when you cried, laughing when you laughed, urging you to climb up on His lap to rest.   Jesus wants you to know that His lap is safe.  Little Renee, He wants you to know that resting in His arms is a secure place to be and you can trust Him always.  You are good at surviving, but you can be good at resting too.  Resting meaning trusting.  You can trust Papa God, Little Renee, He will not hurt you.  He does not lie or break His promises. 

What you have gone through does not have to be buried or hidden any longer.  You do not have to pretend all is well or smile when you would rather frown.  You do not have to make others happy by avoiding or ignoring your own pain.  It is not your job to tell others they will be okay when your seven year old world is falling apart inside.  Being strong is being truthful.  You do not have to always be the good little girl because you believe that if you are good nothing bad will happen. 

Here is what I know now in the latter years of my/our life.  We are never alone.  We have a voice worth listening to.  There is power in our voice because Jesus with His power lives in us.  We are important but not any more important than anyone else.  We are amazing in God's eyes.  We are enough.  We. are. e.n.o.u.g.h.   Being perfect is better left to Jesus.  Papa God's joy is our strength.  We are loved.  Oh, yes, we are loved.   So, we can rest.   Just rest, just rest.

 I am linking up with Bonnie over at Faith Barista

To Unearth Will Heal

 to unearth:  to find something that has been lost or hidden

to discover or disclose

to uncover

I have been reading Bonnie Gray's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", taking my time so as to reflect and journal some of the questions and ideas she shares at the end of each chapter.  She has opened her heart, sharing not only her story of childhood repressed memories that have surfaced with PTSD, but of how Jesus is walking her through to a place of healing. Her courage and insights have been life changing. 

Bonnie's book is a very powerful read and for me it has unearthed some old childhood memories.  That which has been hidden for 60 years has been disclosed, uncovered.  In some ways it has been tough to re-experience these memories long buried, but I know God sent this book into my life as another step in my own healing journey.  The unearthing has made me sad, and it has taken my cowboy preacher to a rare place of anger, but it has also been cathartic.  I know Jesus is wanting me to be set free from the past and I take comfort in knowing that He was with me so long ago, just as he is today. 

I have found it difficult to write about.....too raw yet to put into words.  But I believe that everyone who opens the pages of Bonnie's book will be changed for the better, and from the posts I have read that were written by others on the launch team, it appears so.  This book has been anointed by God and Bonnie's courage to write with such openness and honesty from beginning to end will touch you with the Father's love that comes through each chapter. 

I am linking up today with Bonnie for Whitespace Thursday.

A Carousal Gift

For the last three years I have spent time most mornings enjoying what Bonnie Gray would call  spiritual whitespace moments.  After meditating on scripture, I lean back, close my eyes and visually go into the garden of my heart where I meet with Jesus, and sometimes Holy Spirit comes and Papa God too.  It is here that I spend time alone with God.

 As I close my eyes, I ask Holy Spirit to control my thoughts, pray for the armor of God to protect me, and open my mind and heart to what unfolds, believing it is orchestrated by the Creator.  It is not my imagination, it is Holy Spirit using this time of spiritual imaging to guide, to speak, and to teach me.  I am often surprised by what unfolds, but have learned to trust the process.  Meditation with spiritual imaging is one of the ways God speaks to me. and I consider it a precious gift.

I feel so blessed to be able to connect with God this way, and since the beginning I have written down every encounter, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.  I often look back to re-read what I written to remind me of God's love.

Recently in the Garden I was speaking to Jesus about a nightmare that had uncovered a childhood trauma.  This came to me soon after I began reading Bonnie's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace.".  I  knew from experience that I could go through the Sozo inner healing techniques of forgiving the person involved and giving the event over to Jesus.  In doing so I could find rest and healing from this memory. At the end of this process I held out my hands for a blessing or gift in response,  and Jesus handed me a miniature carousal.  I pondered what the gift meant, and later I decided it may have been Jesus' way of telling me that I was being set free from the childhood trauma.  In forgiving and releasing, my inner child could find joy and delight in things like riding a carousel!.

Just two nights later my husband Joel and I sat down to watch the movie, "Saving Mr. Banks".  In the movie the author of the Mary Poppins books remembers her difficult childhood as she works with Walt Disney to make Mary Poppins into a movie.  Her childhood holds her captive in many ways and affects her adult life to the point of all fun childlike things being pushed to the side as silly.....She eventually does find joy in the process of making this movie.   What stood out for me was the scene where Walt Disney takes her to Disneyland and has her ride the carousal.

I found myself mesmerized by the merry-go-round and the woman as she enjoyed such a delightful child like adventure.  I could not help but think about what Jesus had handed me just two days earlier while in the garden of my heart.  This was not a co-incidence.  This was a God-incidence.

Can you guess what I have added to my 'bucket list"?  Yes, somewhere in my future I will be climbing up on a horse and riding a carousal as God smiles and says, "Enjoy my child!  I have set you free......enjoy!"

I am linking up with Bonnie today for whitespace Thursdays......

But You Would Have None Of It

I wear two silver bracelets on my arm, purchased from Ann Voskamp's son Caleb.  It is his way of helping raise money for the country of Haiti.  Engraved on one is the name above all names ~ JESUS.  On the other bracelet is part of a verse God soaked me in last year. A verse that I hold close to my heart.  "In quietness and trust is your strength".

I have been reading Faith Barista's blog for a couple of years now, so I am excited to be on her launch team.  A part of that is to read her new book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", for release the first week of June.  As I read the introduction, my desire to journey into Bonnie Gray's book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace" was reaffirmed by God when she shared the verse found Isaiah 30:15.

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

In quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it."

Isaiah 30:15

There it was......the rest, the quietness, the trust.  God has been speaking to me for over two years about this and I have been learning to settle in, trust and rest in my Papa's arms.  When I read this verse in Bonnie's intro, the last seven words jumped out at me.  But you would have none of it. 

Oh my goodness, at first I did not want to rest, as I shared recently, HERE.  I desired healing with everything within me, but I found myself wanting to do it my way,  striving instead of trusting.  I would ask over and over, "what do you want me to do, Holy Spirit."  Sometimes I would get answers that required action, but these actions needed to come from a place of trust and belief, not fear.  Often I would hear, "just trust me".  A renewing of the mind was required.

Until a year ago I was not at peace in the quietness mentioned in this verse.  Silence made me uncomfortable and restless.  Like Bonnie, I was much more at ease in the doing instead of  the being  ~~paddling upstream with a determination to avoid pain from the past and in the present that often resulted in exhaustion, instead of just resting and letting the current take me downstream.  Moving through the past in order to walk freely into the future. 

I am able to look back on the last 18 months now and see how much things have changed for me.  Using the inner healing ministry techniques from a ministry called "Sozo" has helped me to remember, process, and let go of several childhood traumas.  Asking Holy Spirit to cleanse me from what has held me captive is setting me free.  Truly.   Healing has come both emotionally and physically.  My relationships with Papa, Jesus, and Holy Spirit have deepened into a love that is hard to describe.  I have not arrived yet, but the journey continues to be a series of adventures I am grateful to experience with Jesus by my side.

I am so thankful that God did not leave me where I was, but continued to provide and still does provide opportunities for me to embrace wholeness in Him, while helping others along the way.  I am so grateful that I can read the end of that verse now and not see myself any longer in the "but you would have none of it."  Oh, don't get me wrong, stuff still comes to the surface and at times I want to paddle upstream away from it, but I find it much easier to take a deep breath out of obedience and plunge in and let the current take me.  Often "the only way out is through" as Joyce Meyer likes to say. 

I plan to share more as I walk into Faith Barista's story shared in her book,  and discover more of my own journey in the process.  I hope you do too.

Resting In His Arms

Papa God held out His arms and the little girl ran into them, holding tightly to His neck. She felt so safe sitting on His lap, feeling her Creator envelop her.  She smiled, sighed, and leaned back to rest, trusting His embrace.

It was not always so.  The little girl of so long ago did not trust sitting on laps, did not trust the words spoken to her.  She did not always believe others would be there for her.  She did not trust Papa God would be there for her with His pure love, but Jesus walked quietly with her and He was patient, beckoning, revealing.  Healing is here He whispered.  Freedom is here.  Healing for the heart and soul of the child now adult.  Even with resistance she found rest in the midst of the journey and in the resting, trust.  In quietness and trust she found her strength, as she listened to her Father's Voice. 
 

Today I am linking up with Bonnie Gray over at Faith Barista as I choose a quote from her book, "Finding Spiritual Whitespace", to write about.  As part of her launch team I am reading and reviewing her book, and I am delighted to do so.  Like so much of what Bonnie writes in her book or on her blog, this quote resonated deep inside where the little girl resides.  I laughed with joy when reading it!

You see, in the past two years I have learned more about God's love than I ever thought possible.  I knew God loved me...I knew he cared....my faith has been the center of my life for fifty plus years.  But understanding and experiencing His love was limited and did not penetrate deep into my soul, the soul of the child within, until God broke through the wall of fear surrounding my heart.  This came to pass when He placed me on a path of healing....soul and body. 

Holy Spirit opened my heart to this indescribable love, an intimate relationship with Jesus that leaves me wanting only more....and more.  It has been and still is a process.....an awakening of the soul as Bonnie says so well.   Joy running over!  Oh, yes, I do feel loved.  I do feel cherished!  Even though it has been difficult at times to sit in the whitespace Bonnie speaks of,  I would be on no other journey. Never alone, always guided, and always safe in Papa God's arms.  Is there any better place to be?

 In the fall of 2012 he spoke to me 23 times from 23 different sources, Matthew 11:28-30.  "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest..."  I learned I cannot rest without trust.  There needs to be trust to be able to lean back and relax in Papa God's arms.  He opened my heart to the Comforter who lets me know on a daily basis that He is here with me. My mind has step by step been renewed by His Word, teachings, and the stories others share.

Finding Bonnie's blog, Faith Barista is another of the many ways God has guided me on this journey.  Her book is one more place of healing. Only God.  That is why I write of it, giving thanks for her story......and for being able to share mine.  My story of how the broken parts of me are being mended and restored.  My story of resting in Papa God's loving arms in quietness and trust.

Come To Me

 

It was early in the fall of 2012 that I began receiving this scripture found in Matthew 11:28-30.  When I receive a scripture three times or more I pay attention because I know God is speaking to me, but during the fall of 2012 I received these words from God 23 times.  Twenty-three times in six weeks!  It was even to the point that early one morning I was watching TV and the Catholic Diocese had an ad that came on....the scripture they quoted?  Matthew 11:28-30. 

"Come to me all you who are weary and carrying heavy burdens,

Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me;

 for I am gentle and humble in heart

and you will find rest for your souls. 

For my yoke is easy and my burden in light."

Matthew 11:28-30
 

It did not take long for me to realize that God was really serious in His message to me, so I began to stop resisting and began opening my heart to what he wanted to tell me about resting.  You see, REST was a four letter word to me.  Yes, I know it is only four letters long but you know what I mean.  I had spent the past 10 years forced by Lyme Disease to rest most of every single day.  I was homebound and isolated from the world, barely hanging on to life according to my doctors.  So when God opened my eyes to all He had and has for us, He placed me on an exciting journey in healing, and the last thing on my mind was resting. I was eager for complete healing, making every effort to have it!  Yet Jesus was telling me to rest in Him.  Rest.  I can remember responding like a child and saying, "No!!"  I do not want to rest. Yet I could not ignore the 23 times I received His Word on resting from 23 different sources  "come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest."  Rest for our souls.

What Jesus revealed to me was a different kind of rest than what I had been forced to endure.  This was more an entering into rest with Jesus.  (Thus the title of my blog now).  What I learned during that season of my life was that my striving for healing was not productive....it was controlling and came from a place of fear.  Jesus was speaking to me about trusting Him on my healing journey! We cannot rest with Jesus unless we trust in Jesus.  I needed to trust Him when He told me I would be well.  I needed to trust Him when He revealed that Jesus already paid the price for my healing....for all healing.  I began to speak it aloud.  "I trust you Jesus."  "I trust you when my circumstances di not line up with Your Word."  I needed to rest in His love for me, just staying calm, knowing that He would fulfill His promises.  He has and He is. 

During this time I learned something else.  There was beauty to be found in this resting, because there is beauty to be found in trusting in Jesus. Jesus is our Healer, our Savior, our Provider.  We can rely on His promises.  That is beautiful to behold! 

There are still times Jesus has to remind me to rest....to trust....and it is during those times I recall what Jesus promised.  "Come to me.....I will give you rest for your soul." 

I am linking up with Bonnie over at Faith Barista and writing on her prompt words, "moments of beauty and rest".

Norishment For The Soul

 Last week we were able to spend time with two of our daughters, one son-in-law, and five of our grandchildren.  We laughed til we cried.....we shared stories....we walked, worked, and played together.  We gathered with others to celebrate our oldest grandson's confirmation and his sister's induction into the national junior honor society.  We watched a grandchild play volleyball, cheering her on to victory~ twice.  I snuggled with a grand, chatted and ate gelapos with two teen grands, was beaten pretty bad in Wii bowling by another tween grand and grabbed my fair share of hugs from the whole group!  Nourishment for the soul!

Bonnie over at Faith Barista asked her readers to write this week, answering the question, "As moms, what nourishes our souls?."  As a gray haired mom....and grandma many times over, life is a bit different from in the past when our house was full and I spent my days as a domestic goddess for 10!   Things have shifted quite a bit as we have lived as empty nesters now for over 10 years.

Of course the number one way I nourish my soul is through my relationship with God, but besides that most important connection, the number one thing on my list is my family.  You see, none of our children live where we call home at this time in our lives, and distance, busyness, and life keep us apart.  So when opportunities come for us to connect, I hold them close.  My eyes drink in their presence, my ears listen to their voices, and my heart tucks away memories for the future.  Phone calls and text messages keep us in each other's lives, but it is their presence that I(we) enjoy the most. Nourishment for the soul!

Besides my children, in-loves, and grandchildren, another way I nourish my soul is with praise music.  I get up almost every morning and listen to praise songs from several artists, moving and grooving while I sing.   I feed my soul on Biblical teachings from Joel and several online ministries, the Word of God, meditation and prayer, devotionals, inspirational books, Holy Spirit "hugs" and my prayer language given to me by God.  We also nourish our souls by teaching God's promises to others. 

At this time in our lives, when we have been set free from Lyme Disease by the Healer's touch, my soul is renewed by freedom. It is for freedom that Christ set us free!  Freedom to walk, dance, travel, shop, visit, and much more.  We take nothing for granted anymore but treasure it all.  It is nourishment for the soul!

Laughter is the best medicine........Joel and I laugh...with each other, at each other (in kind ways), at life's circumstances.  Just this past week we were, at their request, describing to someone the gift of speaking in tongues and what it means to us.  They responded, "That is just to the right of crazy"!! We have giggled and laughed over that several times!  Good medicine!  We watch TV shows or movies with wholesome humor and we laugh.  We laugh!

Jesus tells us to come to Him all who are weary and He will give us rest.  This nourishes our soul.....the resting....trusting....listening.....the intimacy of knowing Someone so well that we can sit in silence and be comfortable together. 

As I wrote this I realized that ALL nourishment comes from God!   Whether it is through loved ones, books, scriptures, laughter, prayers, the internet or more.  It is all from God, this nourishment for the soul!

My Screenplay Is Still Being Written

Easter morning!  Up before sunrise with praise music playing on my phone, I dress for Resurrection Day.  A new sweater and pants, crisp white shirt and comfy shoes take me out the door to worship the King.  I am joyful and eager to celebrate. 

The church sanctuary is beautiful will all the lilies lifting their faces upward in their own form of worship. The service is filled with special music, the people greeting each other with the passing of the peace and "Happy Easter".  The sermon speaks of the hope we have in a risen Savior.

And then I hear the whisper halfway through, as I glance down the long empty pew.  "You are alone again."  A familiar sadness blankets me even in the midst of Easter joy.  I sit by myself.  It's not like I am truly alone, my husband is right up front, speaking words of worship as he helps pastor a congregation.  I am surrounded by lovely people.  It is just that sometimes I miss having the presence of our family that once filled the pew.  Sometimes I miss having my husband by my side, my cowboy preacher who has shepherded congregations going back to 1971, nine years before ever being ordained.     He loves what he does and I love what he has been called to do.  Yet the spirit of loneliness still seeks me out at times.  Looking around the church I see others who also are a pew of one.  Do they feel it too?  The pull of sadness while rejoicing?  Then a calm Voice speaks into my listening heart.   "Lo I am with you always." I drink the words of Living Water in deeply, thirsty for them, while sounds of the organ playing "hallelujah" echoes off sanctuary walls.

This is a part of my story. Today I am linking up with Bonnie at Faith Barista as I write on her prompt word for today, "your story".

As we live and breathe, we all have a story to tell.  Parents, siblings, relatives, friends and even strangers play a role in writing our personal screenplay.  Mine is no different. Intertwined in the love I experienced as a child is what is "said" to make us stronger....sexual abuse, death, alcoholism, and neglect.  No condemnation expressed here, just the script of my early years.  Those experiences took root creating strongholds of fear and loneliness that shaped how I lived and perceived life at times, and still try to take up residence.....even on this Easter morning decades later.  But that is not the end of my story!

Following Joel's overnight healing miracle, our eye opening journey led us to my healing from Lyme Disease.  Yet there was more to come.  Jesus began peeling back the layers of fear, releasing me from confinement, and healing me with His love.  As repressed memories came to the surface,  PTS spoke often, but under His guidance and touch and my surrender, fear lost it's hold.  Out of love Jesus urged me farther along the path, and recently He opened up the door of loneliness and feelings of abandonment that were buried so deep it took Holy Spirit power to unearth them.  Gently and slowly He washed me in Living Water and wrapped me in Holy Spirit hugs, cleansing me of the lies the enemy had used for so long to keep me captive. The lies that said my past is my present and my future.
. 
Sitting in church on Easter Sunday old feelings surfaced, but I had a choice.....listen to the echoes of the past the enemy threw at me,  or walk into the life He had always had planned for His beloved child. It is a process, but that morning I spoke quietly to the little girl who was tempted to believe the residue of an old emotion, reminding her that this was not the truth. Jesus was always with me.  He still is.  Declaring this, peace returned once again with the affirmation that the enemy has no power. 

The past I shared today is only a part of my story. A story filled with great good, some bad and even the ugly.  But it all needs to be told in order to speak of victory with Jesus, bring hope to a hurting world, and give God the glory.  Just like yours, my story continues on.  My screenplay is still being written, but it is not being written by my past.  It is being written by God who is loving me back to a full life ~ a life of freedom. 

"It is for freedom that Christ set me free! 

So I will stand firm then and never again be burdened

by a yoke of slavery."
(to fear, to loneliness, to the past)

Gal. 5:1

(paraphrased)

Word Power

It is Sunday morning, April 13, and we are teaching an adult Bible study session on the power of our words.  Joel walks back and forth speaking with passion on our favorite subject.  As I look around at the small group of people who grace our presence every week, I can see that they are listening intently.  I hold my breath with the realization that our words hold so much power.  Word power.  It is a responsibility that we do not take lightly, but this sunny Spring morning it hits me afresh...the life altering power found in the spoken word.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

Proverbs 18:21

Today is Maundy Thursday, the night of the Passover meal where Jesus instituted the Lord's Supper.  "My body broken....My blood shed....for you."  For us.  Can we comprehend the meaning and the promises held here in these few words?   His body, His blood, our salvation, our forgiveness.  He promised to always be with them.  He promised them a Comforter....Holy Spirit power.  We hear Truth in the words He spoke.

Good Friday brings us to our knees weeping while simultaneously giving thanks for Jesus suffering and death on a cross.  His death giving us life.  His last words spoken........"It is finished."   His suffering for our sins.  Finished.  He suffering for the wounded and brokenhearted .  Finished.  Oh, the pain He bore, the incredible pain and suffering of the world wracking His body.  And then....it is finished. 

Easter morning we hear the most powerful words ever spoken.  He is Risen!  Resurrection power proclaims, shakes the living, and offers salvation and healing to us all.  He. is. Risen.    Our Savior!

Jesus knew the power of words.  He weighed them carefully and spoke them with confidence and authority. He used His words to save, to heal, to teach, and to command, telling His followers they would do greater things than He did because He would be with God and yet resides in us. 

As we reflect on the Resurrection of our Savior we rejoice!  And yet we can celebrate Easter every single day!  We serve a Risen Savior.  We speak powerful words of life or death every day.  We have been given the privilege to do so~ to praise, proclaim, pray, encourage, and  yes, teach the Living Word.  With obedience we teach the truths found in His Word with our words and Holy Spirit's guidance.  There is life and death found in our words.  So today, on this Maundy Thursday as we walk into the next three days of Holy Week, let us lift our voices and worship our Lord and Savior with our words!


I am linking up with Faith Barista Jam using her prompt word for today, "Easter".

Broken Pieces Restored

"This is my body, broken for you..."  The words of our Savior spoken at the Last Supper...the words we hear at the communion rail as we open our hands and our hearts to receive....  His body was broken for us.  Beaten, and hung on a cross in order that we may be set free.

"It is for freedom that Christ set us free,

so stand firm then,

and never again be burdened

by a yoke of slavery (bondage)."

Galatians 5:1

We all come to the table of the Lord broken.  If we are breathing, we are a clay pot cracked, chipped, broken, sometimes in pieces.  Sin makes sure of that.  The enemy works hard to steal, kill, and destroy.  The fallen world joins us in the groaning our brokenness creates. 

It is why we gather at His table, it is why we hold out our hands for the bread of life and we receive, chewing......swallowing.  It is why we lift the cup to our lips and pour the liquid down our throats. Here it is...the blood shed for you.....as Jesus promised. 

We remember.......Jesus came to heal our brokenness.  He broke to make us whole.  To set us free from sin and disease.  Jesus came to take us out of bondage.  He fills us up to overflowing with His love and every crack is sealed tight.  Every chip restored.  The pieces put back together more beautiful than we could imagine.  By His blood shed for us.  Liquid red........liquid more precious than gold.

"By His stripes we are healed."

Isaiah 53:5

Can you look in the mirror and see forgiveness and beauty in your image?   Yes we are fractured pots without Jesus, but we are never without Jesus.  He died for you to be saved, healed, made whole.  To be enough.  The cracks and broken pieces restored by His blood make us all stronger, unique, and always beautiful in His eyes.  He delights, He embraces, He loves.  He beckons with His body broken for you, His blood shed.


I am linking up today with Faith Barista Jam today.  Her prompt word for today is "broken".

The Cross Leads To Our Cross

As we continue our Lenten journey with Bonnie over at Faith Barista Jam, this week's prompt word is "your cross".   I struggled at first with this, not knowing what direction to go.  In the past I have heard people say, "it is my cross to bear"  in regards to their circumstances, but I did not feel that was where God was leading me. I felt drawn to the words of Jesus.

Jesus spoke of our crosses in Luke 9:23 where we read, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up His cross daily and follow me." Searching for the meaning behind His words led me to Billy Graham's site where he explained that the cross Jesus spoke of in Luke was not only a symbol of pain and suffering but a symbol of death.  Jesus was asking His disciples to put to death their own plans and desires and follow Him, turning their lives over to Him every day.

He asks the same of us.  To die to self. 

"I surrender all.......

I surrender all.....

All to thee my blessed Savior

I surrender all"

Letting go of all our plans and desires for Yours, Jesus.  

That is our cross.

"Follow Jesus, I will follow Jesus
Follow Him wherever He may lead me
Follow Jesus, I will follow Jesus
Anywhere He leads I go."

Like everyone else, I have a long list of plans and desires for my life.  Even as a gray haired granny I look forward to a great future!  For starters, I desire to be completely well with all the pain gone for good. I want to be much thinner ( of course) and stronger.  I would love to have my hubby around 24/7.  and I hope to join him in a ministry for healing, helping others in need.  I long to somehow be closer to our family.  I don't feel any of these desires are wrong, but do I value them over God's plans?    Can I let go of my plans for those of my Savior?  Can I, can we trust His plans for us?

Recently I have been reflecting about the difficulty of saying "Yes, Lord" in all areas of our lives, so it does not surprise me that the "your cross- dying to self" has surfaced.  God has been persistent with me in this area of my life.  This surrendering that He asks.  As Heidi Baker says in her book "Birthing The Miraculous", "God wants to love you to death to kiss you to life."  He is preparing us for our calling in all seasons of our lives.  My cross --dying to self,  prepares me for my calling.   It is the only way we can follow Jesus.

I like this dying to self when I believe Jesus and I are on the same page.....of course He would want us to have a healing ministry.....of course He would want us to be together more and see family more...But when the dying to self means laying down everything important to me, every plan, every desire,  it gets hard.  Suddenly being loved to death to be kissed to life does not look so inviting.

But you see, Jesus loves us so much that when He asks something of us, we can trust He is doing so in love.  We can trust that He knows what we hold dear.  We can turn to His Word....the truths we find in scripture and with confidence say, "Yes, Lord." 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord....

plans for good and not for evil" (Jer. 29:11).  

 

Stand on His promises and trust Him, and when we do we are able to lay all our plans down at the foot of HIS cross, surrendering and thus picking up our own cross.  The Cross leads to our own cross of surrender and on that journey we live the abundant life Jesus promises..

 

 

Restored And Reborn By His Wounds

"Surely He has borne our infirmities

and carried our diseases;

yet we counted him stricken,

struck down by God and afflicted.

But He was wounded for our transgressions,

crushed for our iniquities,

upon Him was the punishment that made us whole,

and by his bruises (wounds) we are healed."

Isaiah 53:4,5 (NRSV)

Wounded.  Jesus was wounded and crushed for our sins and diseases.  He suffered beyond what we could ever imagine or comprehend.  Physically he was beaten, whipped, and killed.  Emotionally he was betrayed by one of His own, denied by another, and abandoned by the fearful.  He suffered and died for the world....the weary....the wounded.

The woman kept to herself, filled with shame and guilt over her past.  Alcoholism consumed her life for so many years, more important in the moment than anyone or anything.  Her body hungering for the liquid more than breath itself.  She lived wounded by disease and addiction.  Weary and broken, soaked in the stench of alcohol, shame and loss.  The loss of her dignity and her dreams, the loss of her child, and any fragment of hope for a future free of the chains that bound her.  And the shame that covered her like a thick fog permeated everything, a heavy burden to carry.

And then one cloudless day, after many blurry years of hopelessness, courage rose to the surface like long forgotten sunken treasure.  Courage to stop the insanity.  After many attempts, the desire for sobriety took hold deep inside and the days turned into months and the body's cravings became quieter and the desire to be sober and free grew louder until they vibrated into a new song.......a harmony of healing and of new birth. 

Restoration of a wounded soul merged with reconciliation of another and relationships were renewed and reborn.  Forgiveness began to take root, and dignity returned.  Yet shame kept her from the foot of the cross.  The cross where Jesus understood wounds and suffering.  The woman wondered how she could be forgiven by God when she could not forget the cost nor forgive herself.  But Jesus died for the wounds she suffered and those she inflicted.  He would not leave her where he found her, because He died to set her free.  By His own wounds. 

He began to bring into her the truth of the Living Word, nourishing the heart and transforming the mind with His love and the love of others.  Self-forgiveness eventually came with understanding and love.  Life took on a freshness, and joy came on morning wings.

The broken woman had walked wounded for so long.   Until Jesus.  Jesus, by His wounds healed hers.  When years later the pastor spoke the words "ashes to ashes" over her grave, family and friends gathered in numbers to remember with sorrow and joy, a life restored.  By His wounds.
                                                      ~~

I am linking up today with Bonnie over at Faith Barista Jam where today's prompt is the word "wounded".  I write this with love and remembrance for a courageous woman who's birthday is being celebrated in Heaven once again this year thanks to Jesus.

Staying In The River of God

Deeper water.....God beckons us into deeper water.  Ezekiel spoke of it when he described his vision from God in chapter 47 of his Old Testament book.  In the vision an angel measured the water in the river coming from the Temple of God...first ankle deep, then knee deep, waist deep....still manageable.  Still in his control.  And then Ezekiel said, "He measured off another thousand and by now it was a river I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in~ a river that no one could cross."  Ezekiel 47:5

Way over his head.  The water.  The place where he had to depend on God to survive the deep.  It beckoned him....this place of surrender and trust.

I first reflected on Ezekiel's vision when we were planning a trip last fall to a conference on healing being held in CT.  With these and many other words from God on living waters and His provisions, I pondered what God was asking. As many of you know, a trip like this was a really big deal for me.  I had been homebound for 10 years, not traveling anywhere except to see the doctor treating me for Lyme Disease and other nasty bacteria.  Then God opened our eyes to His desire for us to be well, and my husband was healed overnight from Lyme and other health issues.  My healing has been  more of a process and I worried that I was not yet ready for such a big trip. 

Fear told me to stay home.  Just stay home.  Stay safe.....stay protected....stay within the borders.  The enemy also whispered lies, but God called me into deeper waters, asking me to trust Him.  I did.  He provided above and beyond what I could ask or think, and we had a life changing, powerful two weeks, making a vacation of it, traveling 3,000 miles, and attending a conference on healing.  Only God.

A few weeks ago, I began reading Heidi Baker's book, "Birthing The Miraculous" and came across the story in Ezekiel once again.  Deeper water.......where we cannot swim alone.  God calls us to a place of complete surrender.  While still reading the book, I also came across teachings on this vision that brought me to a "less of me and more of You" place  Deeper, deeper than I could ever imagined, my heart opened to Holy Spirit and I was immersed in His presence.  Undone by His love.

At times everything in me cried out......stay!  Stay on the bank of the river.  Wade don't dive.  It is safer here in the familiar.  You can manage your life as it is, and serve Him without full surrender.  Just stay, and avoid the risk.  My heart was willing and still is, but sometimes the flesh is weak.  Yet I am drawn to this "something more" He offers through intimacy, and I cannot resist His voice.  God is trustworthy, this I believe.  Holy Spirit knows what He is doing as He heals the inner crevices of my soul and offers more of God.  Trembling I whisper, "Spirit lead me to where my trust is without borders".

God calls us to a deeper relationship with Him and when we get past the fears and experience the deeper water we only want more.  Here we find life and healing as Ezekiel says in Ezekiel 47:6-9.  In the river, referred to in Ezekiel as the River of Healing,  we are immersed in His heart and He in ours.  We are cleansed, healed, blessed.  Blessed to be a blessing....

Stay. Come.  At times I still ponder the choices, but we are called to take a deep breath, dive in, let go, and embrace God.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him ( surrender, obedience, immersion) and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:4,5

Staying safe in "Renee's world" is no longer really an option for me, because the truth is, the. truth. is. being immersed in the river of God, saying yes to Him IS the safest place to be.  This is where I need to be.  Where He beckons us all.......

I am linking up today with Bonnie over at Faith Barista.  Her prompt word for today is "stay".

The One Who Hears

 On mostly a daily basis I spend time in visualization and prayer with Jesus, visiting in my mind what I call the garden of my heart. A few days ago while in the garden I did what I call "self-sozoing" to help me through an old issue that resurfaced concerning not feeling heard.  Sozo Ministry is where intercessors and Holy Spirit guide you to release hurts, trauma, or lies from the enemy so that inner healing occurs.  It is hard to accurately describe, but I know it has helped me immensely in the past year on my healing journey, and I recommend it for everyone.  Joel was trained to be an intercessor in 2012 and we have also studied the training series together. 

I have learned to use it for small things, too, because it is so freeing.  Who wants to carry around all that stuff?  During the process you usually release something to Jesus for Him to take to the foot of the cross; it may be anger, unforgiveness, a memory, or a lie you are believing.  In return He may give you love, truths, courage, etc. or an actual gift that symbolizing something. 

This particular day in the garden, I visually held out my hands and Jesus gave me a box which held a microphone.  As I looked at it I was a bit confused on how to turn it on,  until I realized that Jesus was telling me He is the power source I need for my voice!  I then recalled that it was fourteen months ago a Sozo prayer intercessor, who had been helping me through a childhood issue, shared that Jesus wanted me to know I have a voice .  A voice empowered by Jesus and a voice He listened to!  I was told to never forget.  It had a strong impact on me and blessed me with inner strength. 

So while reflecting on Faith Barista's prompt for this week ~ "finding your voice'~ I knew that once again I would have to look back in order to walk forward.   In the beginning I did not believe I had a voice that held attention.....not in the womb nor the years to follow. My voice was silenced at age six, during and after I was sexually abused.  When I reached out to tell someone, my words were met with anger and what I perceived as disbelief.   The lie that my voice held no power took root, and over the years that lie became a stronghold in my life.  I expect we all have "lies" that turn into strongholds when left to fester.  There is good news, though!  God wants to rid us of those things that hold us captive to the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. 

Just like a river needs a source, a place where it begins, so does change and growth.  Creating my first blog on my journey with Lyme Disease was the source for me.  It was where I began to find my voice.  But God did not leave me there, since His plan is far greater than I could ever ask or think, as scripture says.  Later I started this blog and made a commitment to be open and honest here, writing with transparency, as God guided.   It has not always been easy, but doing so has helped my heart to heal, is reaching others, and glorifies God.  And the Lyme blog?  It is a place I no longer need to visit after being healed by Jesus from the disease nearly two years ago. 

When I began writing, something deep inside began to shift as God shaped and molded me to use my written words to bring Him glory. Healing took place, healing is still taking place, as I develop day by day into the me God created.  Faith Barista wrote that God says there is a need for the real you.  There is so much truth in that statement.  We each were created unique and special and God wants us to step out boldly.  Finding our voice gives life to being who He created us to be.  No one else can tell our story.  Remember the microphone Jesus handed me in the garden?  We each have one....a voice with Jesus as the power source.  The One who always hears the voice of His child. 

Papa's Love

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us,

that we should be called children of God. 

And that is what we are!"

I John 3:1

I have spent the past 45 Valentine Days exchanging paper, words, gifts, and embraces with my husband Joel.  We spent our first eight years in the military, and the next thirty-five in ministry, moving 26 times, living in five states and one third world country.  We parented seven children plus, and are blessed with oodles of grandchildren.  We lived through endless years of severe Lyme Disease before healing came, cancer in my body, surgeries for his,  and the death of one son at age 25. We have walked through nearly half a century together with God as our center.  Our lives have been richly blessed in the ordinary and in the extraordinary.  Only God.

Let me share the short story of how we came together.  We met at Bible college, and I thought he was loud, obnoxious, and I certainly was not impressed with his foot attire. Boots!   I was a mouthy, feisty, "city" girl and he was a country boy......but God had a plan.  My sister, who helped raise me, came for parents weekend at school along with a family friend.  They met Joel and decided he was the man I was going to marry!  I protested, but they went home to "pray about it".  We were married 18 months later and I grew to love those boots nearly as much as the man who wears them!  Forty-five years later we till are crazy about each other.  Only God.

I liked to say that I knew how much God loved me because he brought Joel into my life. . I could go on and on about this man of God, my cowboy preacher, who teaches and preaches the Word, who lives the Word.  But today I want to share what I have learned this past year about God's love for me.  For the one who did not believe she was good enough for her loving cowboy preacher, for God.

That statement above?  The one that says I know how much God loves me?......I did not.  I did not really know the depth.  I did not fully understand or feel that deep lavish-love the Bible speaks of.  Not from any lack on God's end, but from someone who had a difficult time forgiving herself for her failings as a wife, a mother, a woman of God.  From someone who strived always to be someone else, who was never enough.

When my healing journey began, I cautiously opened the eyes of my heart day by day, beat by beat into the heart of God and walls began to come down, lies from the enemy were brought into the light, and the perfect love I experienced resonated in me until it felt like His heartbeat joined mine. Holy Spirit filled me to overflowing with a love hard to describe. But it is real, so real.  Revelation has come slowly that I am enough, but it has come through embracing the Father's love. .  Only God.

Do any of you feel like you are not quite enough?  Embrace the Father's love.  Search what God's Word has to say about you.  Do you have trouble forgiving and forgetting the mistakes you made and still make as a mom, wife, human being?  Embrace Papa God's love and forgiveness.  See yourself through the His eyes...your Heavenly Papa who loves you so much.  Do you feel unworthy of such love?  Look to Jesus, hear the story of His love and sacrifice whispered into your heart.  Embrace it.  Believe it.  Walk in it.

Papa God wants you to know and believe.........

"You are His beloved"
"He delights in you"
" He rejoices over you with singing  "
"He loves you so much He  sacrificed His Son..."
"You are enough"



  I am linking up with Faith Barista today and writing on her word prompt, "love".

Come Away With Me To The Secret Place

Come away with me....

to a secret place. 

Rest in My loving arms.

Not only when you are fearing the moment,

but always.

Live your life from the Father's arms. 

These are the words I wrote last night as I expressed my thoughts on what I had been hearing and reading throughout the day, the past many days.  I read them aloud to Joel before bed, and we talking about how to live from that secret place....in the Father's arms instead of from the soul....the me part of us....the flesh part.

So when I saw the title of Bonnie's article over at Faith Barista, I knew God was speaking.  "The Beloved is Real:  Do You Have a Beautiful Secret Place?"  I opened her post and was overcome with the past,  as she talked about the secret place she had created for herself as a small child.  Bonnie has been sharing her journey of healing from PTSD and her traumatic childhood.  She is an amazing woman of God who has been using her own story to give voice and courage to so many on a similar path.  I am one. Each time I visit her cyber home I am changed.   

Today she spoke about how, as a child, she had created this special world in her mind, where she felt beautiful, safe, loved, and alone with Jesus.  She shared this with her therapist ~ this make believe world she felt she needed to let go of.  She was not a little girl anymore.  I was brought to a place of stillness by how her therapist responded. He replied,

“This is a beautiful place Jesus made just for you and Him.  It’s where He’s preserved you safe.”
“It’s the opposite, Bonnie,”  ”It’s time for you to make your outer world reflect you inner world — where you are completely loved.  Cherished."

How sacred these words given to her listening heart.  Precious jewels from Jesus spoken through a man of God.  I began weeping for Bonnie, but soon realized I was weeping for me too.  I could not help but reflect on my own childhood where deeply hidden memories surfaced and held me captive in PTS not too long ago.  For me inner healing has come over the passing of time with Sozo ministry, and this inner healing opened the door for more physical healing too. Only God.

Just the past ten days Holy Spirit has been working to bring more healing to the deeper, hidden places within.  I have been undone...there really is no other word for it....undone with the Father's love I have experienced.  I keep telling Joel, "This has purpose, this is powerful" as I make the effort to keep my heart open to His will and remind myself ..."less of me...more of Him". 

Today as I read Bonnie's post I thought about my own place of escape during my childhood when I believed I was invisible and all alone.  Immediately the apartment my mother and I lived in came to .mind and I vividly saw the secret place where I felt safe and happy .  The sofa was my bed, but there was a large closet with a window upstairs in my mom's bedroom that I called my own and I would go up there and sit.  When the sun came in the window in the afternoons it was a bright place and after school when the quiet was unsettling, I would climb the stairs to this special place and play with my dolls.  The seven dolls I spoke to were my companions and with them I did not feel alone.

Come away with me....

to a secret place. 

Rest in My loving arms.

Not only when you are fearing the moment,

but always.

Live your life from the Father's arms. 

 

As I continued to reflect on my secret place of so many decades ago I realized that it was created again within our own family.  We have seven children, like as a child I had my seven dolls. I never felt alone when our house was full of kids!  The loneliness deep inside was kept at bay with a full house.  But now the children are gone many years,  and it is not my hubby's job to be with me 24/7 although everyone we know would tell you that I would be thrilled if that were so. 

God has been telling me in His gentle but powerful way that I can let go of those lonely feelings that held little Renee captive because they are and always have been a lie.  I have never been alone.  Jesus has always been with me, keeping me safe, holding my hand when I was not, and filling my life with His Presence. I have been undone by His presence as He has been healing me of the deep places within.  "Ask and you shall receive".

 

Jesus says I am with you always.  He never leaves us.  Ever.  I stopped running from the silence years ago, but I did not let myself heal from the memories that came with it.  I did not know how....just toughen up, get over it, and all that, right?  But I had to stop believing the lies from so long ago that I was alone and I had to put out my hands to receive the truth that Jesus had for me today nearly 60 years later.  I have my secret place of intimacy with God every moment as I rest in His arms.  I can bask in the Son-shine that fills me~ heart and soul~ the way I basked in the sunshine filling that small room so long ago.  I am not alone in the secret place, the secret place which is in the Father's arms...moment by moment, day by day.  Always,

 

 



Come away with me....
to a secret place. 

Rest in My loving arms.

Not only when you are fearing the moment,

but always.

Live your life from the Father's arms.




He Calls To The Heart

This week Bonnie over at Faith Barista is asking us to share how God has been touching our hearts during the month of January, doing so through a photo journal.  I have used a mixture of my own photos, and others to share here. 

I begin with this photo of my husband Joel and myself

because God has been speaking to me a great deal 

about Joel going back to work as a pastor,

after having 6 months off

from his retired-and-now-refired  ministry work.

I love having Joel around 24/7

so my heart needed some of God's adjusting on this. 

Thank you Jesus.

  

A phone call and invitation from our grandson so

far away.....reconnecting us with

the son of our son Kevin, who died 9 years ago.

 

The importance of friends who pray, encourage, bless,

and reach out for the same through the cyber world and face-to-face.

They touch my heart as we walk our healing journeys

Thank you Katherine, Kim, Kerin

 

 

 

Family gatherings over the holidays have given us

great memories to hold close. We love our family, warts

and all.  January has God touching my heart to remember

the words above.  Bound by love and God's divine plan.

Let us love one another......

 Always, always, always

 

Holy Spirit Encounters

Come

Holy Spirit

Come

 

 

 

Phone calls of love from

sons and grandsons

 

 

Jesus speaking to me about rivers of living water

 and sending me Ezekiel 47 over and over and over

in scriptures, blogs, devotionals, and internet teachings

about getting deeper into the river of healing,

deeper and deeper

with less of me and more of God

and Joel's dream about us at a waterfall

(before he knew what God was sharing with me).

Only God.

Only God.

 

The importance of rest

Rest in Me

"In quietness and trust will be your strength"

 

 

Look for Jesus in people you meet

 

 

 

This is a great comfort to me

God sees me....

I am visible to Him

With a Father's love

He sees me.

 

 

Keep walking out your healing

literally

spiritually

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smile, Your'e Beautiful!

 

"People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I Samuel 16:7

This week Bonnie, over at Faith Barista has given us the prompt word, "beauty" to reflect on.  Beauty is a word that the world uses to define our outward appearance.  How tall, how thin, how young, how glowing, how altered or air-brushed by man.  Are we ever enough?  This would be the world's definition of beauty, but we are not just bodies, we are hearts.

While reading Ann Voskamp's book "The Greatest Gift", I came upon this verse in I Samuel where we are told people judge the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart   The eyes of God look into our hearts.  Quite a contrast from the latest fashion show or pageant where women are judged by how they look and what they wear. 

Don't get me wrong, as women we enjoy being told we are beautiful.....my 67 year old husband tells me, his 65 year old wife, that I am beautiful.  He can still make me blush, but I confess I like hearing it.  Gray haired, overweight, wrinkled skin, make-up free face and all.  That is what love does....through the eyes of love Joel sees me as beautiful. 

He also tells me I am beautiful on the inside, but when the Lord looks at my heart what does he see?  Well, I am sure there is not much beauty to be found within until the Son shows up, but when Love enters, beauty rises.  Through His Holy Presence we are all made beautiful and whole.    We are enough.  Thank you Jesus!

We know we are to take care of our bodies, scripture tell us they are the temple of God.  But the Bible also speaks often on the importance of the heart, where Jesus resides.  We are to guard our hearts, to listen carefully to His Word, letting it penetrate deep into our hearts.  We are told to forgive our enemies and those who hurt us, and to love one another as He first loved us.  We are told these things because God loves us.  He not only speaks to our hearts, but through the eyes of love God sees the beauty within. God sees, smiles, and says, "Beautiful!" 

My Word For 2014: A Name Above All Names

Today I am linking up with Faith Barista to share my word for 2014 and the story behind it.  Bonnie is a wonderful woman of God who is sharing her faith journey with those who grace her cyber home.  God speaks through her words into the hearts of His children.  Stop over and be blessed.

 

~~~~~~~~

Recently  praying I was about what one word God wanted me to focus on this year.  In 2013 my words to focus on were a continuation of rest along with trust, based on Isaiah 30:15.   "In quietness and trust will be your strength."  I have been blessed by that verse so often over the past twelve months.

When I finally put some reflective time into asking God for direction, I felt drawn to the word rejoice.  Praising Jesus and rejoicing in all He has given us....not a bad way to spend the year.  Then I felt drawn to the word forward as it came up over and over again in devotionals that were focusing on the coming new year.   Moving forward.  Letting go of the past and moving forward with whatever God has planned for my life.  Both were good words to focus on, but I continued to feel unsettled.

Then I read Ann Voskamp's post on Jesus.  Jesus who became flesh.  I immediately felt a sense of peace, believing that this was the word God had chosen for me.   Jesus.  God had been guiding me in this direction since late September when we began discussing the possibility of attending a conference on healing. One of the speakers was going to be Michael Koulianos, an evangelist who wrote The Jesus Book.  At the time I ordered his book and another about Jesus titled, Crazy Love, by Frances Chan. They are on my bookshelf waiting to be read.

Earlier this week when Ann revealed that her Jesus Project for memorization this year was based on the book of John, it struck a chord.  God has been patiently and persistently speaking to me for so long on the need for His Word to be held in my heart, going deep, transforming and healing me. This project would help me with that. 

Then there has been the magnetic pull to Jesus. 

For the past two years my focus has been on healing.  I have pursued, studied, prayed for and spoke about it.  I have desired more and more from the Miracle Worker!  While reading one of Smith Wigglesworth's book on healing a few weeks ago, I read a story of how a person was healed by the intercessors saying only one word over and over as they stood around his bed ....that word?  Jesus.  Sometime stirred in me. Oh the power in that one word.  The love, compassion, forgiveness, wisdom and power all in one word.  I began to praise God by doing the same.  Saying Jesus over and over with gratitude as I meditated, prayed, rejoiced, struggled to sleep, or fought physical symptoms.  My lips speaking aloud His name, centering my focus. I began to realize I not only want more from the Miracle Worker but I want more of Him too.  I wanted to spend more time just being with Him.  A subtle shift began to occur.

Yesterday we decided to brave the cold and go to a nearby church.  On the way I asked God to confirm the word "Jesus" as His choice for me in 2014.  He did not disappoint.  First of all, when we walked in the sanctuary we saw this beautiful sculpture above the alter.  It brought a smile to my face.

 

 

 

Jesus word sculpture

When I looked at the gospel for the day it was in the book of John!  "In the beginning was the Word and the Ward was with God and the Word was God."  John 1;1. This is the first scripture Ann was asking readers to memorize in her Jesus Project this year.  To add to that, the pastor had a great sermon on  Jesus who became flesh.  I grabbed on to these words, "Let the Word of God speak to you and through you.  He cried for you (as a baby) and He died for you.(as an adult). 

Confirmation.

Reflecting back on it all ~ Resting in Jesus (come all ye who are weary), trusting in Jesus for my healing journey, praising (Jesus), moving forward (with Jesus), reading the Word (In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God) ~~All the pieces of a divine puzzle started coming together as only God can do.  I love when that happens. 

So this year my word is Jesus.  As I read and memorize scriptures with the Jesus Project, rest by trusting all the more, praise the Lord, and move forward on my faith journey I will be focusing on Jesus.  The One who put it all together.  The Word that became flesh.