Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I Had Forgotten

"Renee will heal in this house"

It was a year ago that we put our house on the market.  We were leaving behind the past and moving into our future in Arizona.  Then our plans changed abruptly with a diagnosis.  I have grieved much in the past 12 months, including the fact that we are still living in this house.

 I spent 8 of the past 12 years viewing the world from inside my domain.  Among other things Lyme Disease kept me bound to my sofa, to my home.  I viewed the world with longing, unable to participate in anything much but phone calls, the Internet, and usually one visit a year from our kids, which involved lots of recovery time.  I went weeks without face-to-face, skin-on-skin interactions with anyone but my loving Joel.  Then Joel joined me for 3 1/2 years of the Lyme battle, himself. It is a sad story, and it is one I want to leave behind me.

After I was healed of Lyme and more, I was able to get out again in the world.  I could travel, see the houses our kids, in-laws, and grands lived in.  We could experience a normal life.  Yet, the memories I have from before the healing would come up again unexpectedly here in the house that kept me safe for so long, but also so very isolated.  I connected illness to the house and was so ready to leave the house behind along with the sickness that was part of my past.  I had stepped into freedom and out into the world and I was ready for a new dwelling place.

In the past year I have dealt with many tests, surgeries, and radiation, treatment fatigue and sobering losses, making it feel like I was once again surviving in what I identified as a house of sickness.  But over time I realized that this is not the truth.  The house that was a place of sickness needs to be acknowledged now as a place of healing.

I had forgotten.  You see, when Joel was out biking 12 years ago he drove past the area and noticed the owners were having an open house. He went inside and looked around before going out on to the back deck where God impressed something on his heart.  He heard, "Renee will heal in this house."  Joel had also dreamed about the layout of this house more than once before he ever stepped in the door, so seemed right to him for us to live here.  He had to talk me into this house, though, as it was not my favorite. It has a lot of stairs and levels and it really needed an enormous amount of work.  Joel and others did a great deal to fix the house, and then we moved here 12 years ago in October.  Unfortunately, I just got worse......and worse......At times Joel began to question what he had heard, but hung on to God's words with hope.  And then in 2012 healing came................

I had forgotten.  I had forgotten those words and I was letting the years of sickness and last year's health challenges take my eyes off of God's promise to Joel. Like the Israelites I was forgetting all God has provided.

It certainly is not our intention to retire in this house, it is too big and it has too many stairs.  And we are still waiting to hear a solid answer from God regarding a move, so we are not sure how long we will be here, but what I do know is that God is asking me to remember that this is a house of healing, and our house of healing has its foundation built on the promises of God. A promise given to Joel 12 years ago when he just "happened" upon an open house, and it changed our history.

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