Thursday, May 16, 2019

The "Hows" and "Whys"



The "whys" and "hows" rose to the surface yesterday as the reality of this Stage 3b breast cancer hit me square in my soul.  I had an appointment with the surgeon and the exam, discussion, and words spoken was like starting over for me.  The diagnosis felt fresh after so many months, and as she stated that the ultrasound would not give us the whole picture of what was going on in my breast because this cancer is sneaky...... my "significantly smaller" words I had grasped on to with hope, faded.  A breast MRI is needed to see better what is going on.  She did say she could see some outward changes and Joel and I are still thinking the ultrasound must show some change or they would not have said so, but those rational thoughts came later for me.

Grief rose in me and I spent a great deal of time weeping about the reality, the coming loss of both breasts, and the courage I will need for surgery and all that is ahead.  What did my future hold?  Joel was steady and calm and thought it was a good meeting, but I had a meltdown when we got home.

I went back to the "how did this happen when I was STILL seeing the medical radiologist....how did every doctor I was seeing miss the cancer on my skin and the big changes in my breast.  Truthfully, this is such a rare occurrence that even medical people are surprised by it.  That leads up to the why.  Why, God?  Why?!  Empty questions with empty answers.

I must include here that my struggle with grief and fear makes me uncomfortable and at times embarrassed.  Our oldest son tells me that what I feel is what I feel and that is is more than okay.  That anyone dealing with cancer four times in eight years, breast cancer treatments while having 4 surgeries related to kidney stones besides the other health issues I have....well they would have a wide range of emotions.  And that is why I am sharing it all in my current journey with breast cancer.  Because unlike the first one 3 plus years ago, this one is not easy, it has not been given an excellent prognosis, and is just plain scary at times.  Because for many of us we need a miracle!  Because for many of us the future is not easy nor given an excellent prognosis.  I share when God leads me to do so, and I share because I believe someone needs to hear my words.

So back to the "Why God?"  I believe that most of us have asked that question at one time or another.  But.... there are really no answers to that question.  And if we continue to get stuck there we cannot open our eyes to how God shows up in our difficult circumstances.  We have our focus on the problem....and the why of it instead of on God.  It is not that we don't visit there, but we cannot live there.

Today this verse ~jumped off the page and vibrated in my soul.

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Indeed, do not be wise in your eyes, Fear the Lord and depart from evil.  It will be health to your flesh and strength to your bones."                                                                   
                                                                  Proverbs 3: 5-8

In these circumstances, in the circumstances we all experience at one time or another in our lives, we cannot lean on our own understanding.  We lean on GOD.  We let Him hold us when we grieve.  We take a deep breath and we trust Him.  Daily, and sometimes more than once a day I say something I heard author and speaker Susie Davis say......"I love you God.  I trust you God.  Thank you for my one beautiful life."  When I trust God, when I surrender the hows and whys to Him, I can embrace my one beautiful life........one day at time.....one blessing at a time.  My beautiful life will look different than yours, but when we trust in and lean on our Papa God, we can find the beauty in the midst of any season.  We may have to dig for it, be very intentional, get past the weeping, brush aside the whys and hows, but it is there.  It is there.




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